Can't let go.

The past few days my anxiety levels are HIGH. I'm so bummed. I was doing so well. Here's the deal... summer months and into fall, when the weather is warm, are ideal for me. As I'm sure all of you know, viruses thrive in cold weather. So as the days get colder the more worried I become. It's like a game. I'm just waiting to be hit with something. This is the worst. Today as I was driving I was praying for peace. Feeling this way is so overwhelming and it wears me down. Nothing wears me down like worry does. Not even my kids. Right now my two amazing babies are my only distraction from the torment of worrying about stupid sicknesses. I do fine all day when I'm with them. Then night time comes around and instead of enjoying my alone time, I just worry... or write blogs about worrying. Dumb.

My fears started after I had Faye. I definitely had some major depression issues and then began my crazy obsessions. I was wiping down every surface in my house twenty times a day, with disinfectant wipes, including door knobs and light switches. I was turning on the faucets with something other then my hand... a towel, a tissue, whatever was handy. I was washing my hands sooo many times everyday that they were cracked and bleeding. I was using hand sanitizer way too much. I would avoid going anywhere unless it was absolutely necessary... like the grocery store. And I would do anything I could to make sure the girls didn't leave our house. I never ever got gas because who knows who had touched that thing! I'd always make Lane do it, even if it was extremely inconvenient for him. I was afraid of sickness. And the truth is, I still am. I'm definitely not even close to where I was at this time last year... but these stupid fears are still lingering and they're holding me back in life.

I miss having joy. Like now, I can laugh and be silly and happy, but those fears... they're still in the back of my mind. They just won't leave me alone. This reminds me, I was looking through some pictures the other day. There is a picture of me pushing Claire in a shopping cart at the grocery store with NO cart cover thingy. Seriously?! Today you couldn't pay me any amount of money to push a shopping cart with my bare hands. I look back on that picture and I want that. I want that mindset. The thought about me becoming infected with something because I was touching a shopping cart didn't even cross my mind at that time. I MISS THAT. Silly, right? But it's those little things that make life enjoyable and simple. When you don't have to worry about those stupid little things, you have so much more room for joy.

I hate this. I'm learning that I can totally talk myself out of having anxiety. That makes it even more ridiculous... right?

So as we get into these winter months, I need to freaking relax. I need to eat healthy, take my vitamins, exercise, keep my hands clean, keep my house clean... these are the only things I can do within my control. And that's all this is. I have control issues... still. All anxiety issues come down to having control issues.

I LOVE how Lane lives. He doesn't have control issues AT ALL. He's so "whatever" about everything and I envy that. Life would be so much easier. And Lane will tell me, "Just let it go. Who cares." But it's not that easy! You out there with anxiety... about anything... you know that you can't just let it go! And if we could do that, we would! We would do pretty much anything for the ability to just LET IT GO. But we can't. It doesn't work that way. It takes patience, and work, and prayer and I think most importantly, time. Time to let it go. And I can't. I just can't. let. go.

Hopefully with time, I will get over my fears. I can't wait to actually be excited about Christmas time. Because right now I dread it and it used to be my favorite.

Sleeping Fayfie.

Faye likes to fall asleep in really random places, really fast. Sometimes she goes and goes and goes until she just can't handle it anymore and she gives in. She's been doing this since she was teeny tiny. And I don't know... maybe most babies do this but Claire never did so I think it's funny and oh so cute.

Little Miss Mischief...

So lately, Faye has been getting into everything. I know all babies do it, but Claire kept it to a minimum. Faye is crazy! I leave the room for a second and she's doing something mischievous as soon as she sees me leave...

Her favorite things to do:

-She puts her hands and anything else in the toilet. We recently stayed in a hotel and she put the remote in the toilet. And as you all know, I am terrified of germs so fishing anything at all out of a toilet is my worst nightmare. I feel like I'm living my worst nightmare a lot lately!

-She loves anything with a powdery texture. She's dumped entire bags of flour all over the kitchen floor. And let me remind you, this only takes her a minute to do. She's quick.

-She LOVES to eat dirt. I guess this might be normal? It's not just a little bit of dirt, but entire handfuls, in the mouth. I never really saw a lot of this with Claire so it's all new to me.

-She tries to destroy all of my books. She rips out handfuls of pages at a time. What's weird is that she doesn't do it to Claire's books. Just mine. Hmmm.

-And she LOVES to eat markers then look at herself in the mirror.





So this little one is a handful. But she's so cute and so sweet that I can never be mad at her.

Peaceful sleep, where are you?

I'm up. I went to bed a couple hours ago and woke up suddenly, feeling anxious. I hate nights like is. All I can do is pray and read and hope that sleep will come. I was laying in bed and looked over at Claire. (She sleeps wih me when Lane works at night.) She's looks so peaceful. And I started to pray that the Lord would bring me to a place like that. A place where fear and anxiety are not part of my day. A place where all I need to get by is the love of my family and my God. A place where life is simple.

The past few days I've really been getting caught up in all of the stuff about the stupid swine flu. My mom confronted me today and said I need to stop. She's right. The more I read, the more I research, the more anxiety I have. I was doing so well but I brought this fear and worry upon myself and I'm sorry that I did. So it's time for a fast from researching the flu. What a waste of time anyway, right?

Thank God for sweet sleeping little children. He can use that picture to show us peace. I long for peace like that. I need it more than ever.

The Miraculous Olive Leaf...

A while ago I was doing research on the flu... like I do all the time and I came across some information on olive leaf extract, so I bought a book on Amazon allll about Olive Leaf Extract. It's actually called "Olive Leaf Extract." It's by Dr. Morton Walker.

This stuff is awesome. It's also known as "nature's antibiotic". It's proven to strengthen the immune system, kill bacteria and viruses, even the flu virus, and yes that means the H1N1 virus. This stuff kills everything and it's a food. So you can't OD on it.

I take a lot of it and if I feel the tiniest twinge of a cold coming on, I take even more. So far it's working wonders. In the past two months Claire has had about five colds and some sort of crazy fever/cough/bronchitis thing. It's been rough. But let me tell you... I haven't gotten sick once. Not one time. And this is wild for me, considering that last cold season every time Claire got something, I did too. I've felt a little cold coming on here and there but it never turns into anything. I really am starting to believe in this stuff. Also, the other day my mom said she felt a cold coming on so she took some olive leaf extract and some zicam, and guess what? She never got sick.

So read up on this stuff. It's very interesting that more people don't know about it but a lot of studies and research have been done in the past 10 years so I think more people will start finding out about this and using it... at least during cold and flu season.

But also, I'm all about flu vaccinations. I have nothing against them and I don't have any reason to be. I've gotten them for years and have never gotten the flu or had any strange side effects.

So, OLIVE LEAF EXTRACT. Check it out.

The Strawberry.

When I was little I had a Little Tikes strawberry toy box. I have some really great memories of that thing. And we have pictures of us as kids playing in it. The other night my dad and I were talking about it and I got all excited. I know they don't make them anymore but I was determined to find one for the girls. I did a little search and found one on Ebay for $60.00. That wasn't including shipping. Lane would kill me. Searched some more and found one on Cragslist in Ohio for $25.00. Not gonna work. And then I found "the one". Santa Maria, $15.00. I was beyond ecstatic. So I called the guy. His post had been up since October 9th. I thought I'd be out of luck for sure. Soooo many people would want this toy box, right? But nope, he still had it. I picked it up and now we have it and I love it. Weird that I'm so excited about this toy box. It's just one of those things that I LOVED as a kid and I know the girls will remember it when they're older. YES! I love this thing.

Happy Birthday Faye Adelaide.

One year ago today, this little one came into the world.




She was sweet and so wonderful from the moment we met her. I'm so thankful for our little Faye.


What a big girl. I can't believe she's one.