Patience, Love & Running

Love Conquers All...

2012-01-07T23:24:00.000-08:00

How do I write this? I'm not one to write about really personal things. But I feel this needs to be shared... Hmmm...

The past few weeks have been very different. My marriage has changed in ways I never thought they would.

Let's start here... I used to be a party animal. I loved drinking and smoking and doing whatever I wanted. I loved staying up till 4 am and waking up at 2 pm. That was life and it was fun. I got pregnant with Claire and stopped everything. And I truly believe that God used that tiny baby in my belly to change my heart. I no longer cared about drinking and partying and "having fun". As that sweet baby girl grew inside of me my love for God grew. I was a changed woman and it felt amazing. But nothing changed for Lane. And I prayed for him. I prayed and prayed and prayed. For almost six years I prayed.

A few weeks ago my world came crashing down. I won't be specific, but life changed. My marriage changed. God was doing something and he had to shake me to make me see that he wanted things to change. He wanted Lane and I to change.

I spent two days praying and crying. Praying for peace and hope and change. I cried more than I ever have. I cried myself to sleep and I cried all day. I cried until I had no tears left.

Then it happened. God took my heart and lit a fire. A fire for my husband. A fire for my marriage. I would fight for us no matter what.

I hugged Lane. I cried and we prayed. I don't think we've prayed like that together since the day we got engaged over 10 years ago. But we prayed and I felt God there with us. I knew he was saying, "This is what I want for you two. This is what I want for your marriage."

I look at Lane now. I've changed. I've changed the way I see him and the way I feel about him. I'm so in love with this man. I'm so blessed to be married to a man who is so in love with his wife and so adoring of his little girls. He is a good man. A man who works hard to provide for us and who will always put us first. A man who I can go to at 3 AM for prayer when I'm feeling anxious and can't sleep.

And as I write this with tears in my eyes, I am overwhelmed. Overwhelmed because after six years of prayer God answered. God is bigger and better and more powerful than ever and I see it in our marriage. More than anything, I wanted to share God with my husband. I wanted God in our marriage. Now I can proudly say that He is here, in our marriage. The last three weeks have been crazy and intense and then wonderful and amazing. God truly changed my heart for my husband.

Wives, pray for your husbands. Don't give up praying for your husbands! And pray for yourselves. Pray that God will give you a love for you husband that is more powerful than you even thought possible.

Here is a quote from a book I read recently... "All I ever wanted in life was to fall in love, be married, have children, and live a passionate romance unknown to the world. I wanted to prove that even through trials, marriages could be beautiful, romantic and conquering amidst a thousand enemies."

This is the love I want. This is the romance I've prayed for since I was a little girl. And I have it. I'm so blessed to have it.

I'm seeing love with new eyes. Love truly does conquer all.

ALMOST the best Christmas present ever.

2011-12-21T09:12:00.000-08:00

Time is flying by. I can't believe Christmas is here and it's been almost 4 1/2 months since we saw our little mans face for the first time.

Lane got home from work yesterday and said, "Well, what do you want for Christmas... because what I wanted to get you fell through."

He didn't want to tell me. I kept asking.

He had contacted our agency and asked if there was any way to get me out there to meet our little one. He was trying to fly me out to South Korea at the end of January so I could be with our son for a few hours. (JUST a few hours. Isn't that crazy?) The ladies at the agency got back to him yesterday and told him there was no way we could make it work. They said they are so busy over in Korea with the new year and that it would be tough to get everything together. A meeting place, translators, etc.

I'm so bummed. But I understand.

So baby boy, we're still here... and you're still there. I miss you more every day. I know you are healthy and happy. I know you are loved. But every day when I look at your sweet face my heart sinks because you are part of me and we aren't together.

Lord, please let him come home sooner than later.

Resolutions for 2012.

2011-12-16T10:04:00.000-08:00

It's that time again...

I feel like I JUST did this.

Every year I write out my resolutions... and surprisingly by the end of the year I accomplish most of them. 365 days is plenty of time to accomplish something.

So here they are... my resolutions for 2012.

1. Bring our baby home!!! (Hoping and praying with all of my heart that it'll be in 2012.)

2. Run at least two half marathons.

3. Become a CPT by February. (I haven't talked about this at all. I've been working on this for awhile.)

4. Do at least one charity event with Running Grrrl.

5. Eat clean. (As clean as possible and be aware of what I'm putting into my body...)

6. Go to bed earlier so I can do AM workouts before the girls get up.

7. Keep my house cleaner & keep my laundry done. (We'll see about this one.)

8. Be better with money... seriously!

9. Pay off credit cards. This is gonna happen! Exciting!

10. Less TV, less computer time, more reading!

I think these are pretty reasonable. Can't wait to see what I accomplish and when. I'm so excited for a new year! Also this year, I turn 30!!!!!!!! Crazy. I'm actually really excited about this. I had a talk with my sister in law last night. We talked about how women in their thirties are actually cool. You can still be stylish and cute and fun but you've got more shiz figured out than you did in your twenties. Sounds good to me!

Here's to 2012!

Prayers please...

2011-12-05T17:08:00.000-08:00

In the past few weeks we've gotten a few updates on our little man. He's doing soo great. He's healthy. He's growing. He's changing. He's looking absolutely adorable. He's looking more like a little boy than a baby and I just love him so much.

We got an email from our agency saying that we are done with the paperwork on our side and now we WAIT. Forever.

I wrote to our agency asking for an estimate on when they think we might be able to bring him home. And I got some news that broke my heart. Because of when we accepted our referral we'll probably be the last or one of the last families to bring our baby home in 2012. Or we'll have to wait until 2013. We were thinking he'd be home summer of 2012. But now it's looking like early 2013.

I'm so sad.

He's my son. Of course I want him home sooner than later. But also I just feel like I'm missing out on so much in those few months. We thought we'd be bringing him home at 18 months old. Now he might be over two years old and that makes such a huge difference. In those months babies turn into kids. They become so much more independent.

So please pray with me friends. Pray that 2012 will be our year!!! I know God has plans for us. My heart is hurting for our precious boy and I want him home! Anything is possible with prayer.

I knew this would be hard but I didn't expect to love this little someone so much. I didn't know I'd love him like he was my own before I even held him in my arms. He is part of of me and I adore him.

Pray him home!!!

30 days of (somewhat) clean eating...

2011-11-29T11:55:00.000-08:00

Alright people. Yesterday was 30 days of "eating clean" for me. I started on October 28th. (Right before Halloween. That was TORCHER!)

I'll be honest. I was not perfect. But I ate so much better than I normally would have and I was able to make better choices because I was making a conscious effort to put good things into my body.

So here's how it went...

(I'm going to be honest here.)

Breakfast was usually eggs with a little goat cheese and dill. Some days I switched it up and had oatmeal. Most days I also had a banana and my yummy Super Green Drink from Trader Joe's.

Snacks were usually veggies and hummus, nuts, or brown rice cakes with peanut butter. I became obsessed with Trader Joe's Wasabi Wow mix. I think I've eaten like 5 bags of it this month. It has almonds, peanuts, wasabi peas & cranberries. It's sweet, spicy and a little salty all at once. Delicious.

Lunch is always hard for me. But I usually had a sandwhich. Whole wheat with turkey or lean ham and veggies.

For dinners we tried a few new things. One of my faves (which I think I mentioned before...) was the coconut chicken curry with brown rice and steamed broccoli. We also did our usual tacos, stir fry, bbq...

I made sure that I was drinking a lot of water all day. And I always finished my day with hot caffeine free tea while I watched TV. I made a point to not snack at night.

And some days (NOT all days!!!) I indulged in my favorite thing on the planet. Dark chocolate. And I have to get this off my chest... I had some Diet Coke. I know that soda is a no-no. I know I should stay away from it but on days when I was craving something sweet Diet Coke did the trick. Everything in moderation, right? I don't know... Aaahhh I'm glad I got that out there in the open.

And I also found a loop hole for sugar cravings. I mentioned before www.chocolatecoveredkatie.com. These recipes are amazing. They are all vegan. A few times I made her fudge babies. All they are are ground up dates and cashews. You mix a little unsweetened cocoa powder in there and they taste and feel like your eating balls of chocolate cookie dough. Pretty amazing. We also tried the vegan chocolate chip cookies. They have 2 tablespoon of sugar in the entire batch of cookies! Crazy, right? They are delicious.

Annnnd my favorite eating out meal was Chipotle. Hands down. I order the same thing every time. A veggie bowl with brown rice (Yep! They have brown rice now!) black beans, veggies, roasted corn salsa, medium salsa and a little cheese, and lettuce. It's sooo yummy! Eating out can be tough if you're extremely strict with your eat clean plan. But it's not impossible.

Also Thanksgiving dinner wasn't as tough as I though it would be. I was in charge of veggies. I made a huge amount of roasted butternut squash, sweet potatoes, bell peppers and onions tossed in olive oil, balsamic vinegar and fresh rosemary. I loaded up my plate with veggies and kind of filled up on them before I got to my meat and stuffing. And I'll be honest... I ate pumpkin pie! And I didn't feel guilty for one second! It was soo good!

So all in all I think these last 30 days went great! I feel good about what I put into my body. No Doritos, no candy (besides a little dark chocolate). I didn't even have a bit of cake! And I had numerous opportunities to get in on some cake.

I realize that eating what's good makes me feel good. I have more energy and I sleep better.

So I plan to keep going with this. Saying no to processed foods and foods loaded with sugar is what I have to do. And now it's not because it's a game or a challenge, it's because I know that's what will feel best for me in the long run.

Now on with life! Eating good, running, strength training, getting ready for baby boy!!! Life is busy!

I hope some of you did this with me! How did it go?

Eating Clean... Pretty much.

2011-11-13T23:09:00.000-08:00

A little update.

I'm doing pretty good.

I haven't had candy or sweets. (Besides some dark chocolate... just a little... Oh and these amazing garbanzo bean blondies I made last night. YUM.)

I've had some chips and salsa, which I'm pretty sure isn't part of this eating plan. Ooops.

The first weekend after I started this we went out of town and that was extremely difficult. I wasn't prepared and I was pretty much starving. We took a quick trip to Trader Joes. I stocked up on nuts, a little dried fruit, and some fresh fruit. (We didn't have fridge in our hotel room so I got what I could.) We ate out for every meal which was hard. But you can always find something. I haven't been perfect but this is the best I've ever done.

Things I'm learning:

-Eating clean takes work.

-Preparing meals and snacks ahead of time is crucial to not failing.

-I feel sooo good! No sugar crashes! What was I thinking before?

-There are ways to enjoy desserts. and not feel like crap. Check out chocolatecoveredkatie.com

So all in all it's going good. I've been around a lot of yummy treats and I haven't given in. I'm 13 days in. Yay!

My daily eating plan is still consisting of:

Breakfast: Eggs (Sometimes I throw some meat in there and maybe a few tablespoons of crumbled goat cheese. Oh and dill... I never eat eggs without dill.)

Snacks: Fruit, nuts, brown rice cakes with nut butter, roasted seaweed snack. (Not all of this at once...)

Lunch: A big salad with lean turkey or lean ham and all sorts of veggies. I've been making my dressing at home too.

Dinner: Usually chicken? Brown rice, veggies. (I made an insanely good coconut curry chicken last week!)

Desserts... Check out the website above. I've only tried the garbanzo bean blondies and the chocolate chip cookie dough babies. Both are amazing. Both are full of things that are good for you!

So eating clean is fun! There is so much we CAN eat. And there is so much out there that we shouldn't eat so this works out well!

Anyone else doing this? How's it going?

Eating Clean - Day One

2011-11-01T19:09:00.000-07:00

Day one is done and I feel good!

*And FYI I will not be posting daily about this. I'll just do a post every week or so to let you know that I'm not failing horribly and also it'll help keep me accountable.

Before I go on I want to clarify... A lot of people have different ideas about what "eating clean" is. None of these ideas are right or wrong. My idea of eating clean is no processed food. However I will eat turkey deli meat. I love Columbus turkey. It's minimally processed and they have one with low sodium. I'll be sticking to veggies (raw or steamed), fresh fruits, lean meats/proteins, minimal salt intake, and minimal dairy.

Here's how today went:

Breakfast - Cottage cheese and a banana.

Snack - Sliced turkey.

Lunch - A huge pile of carrots w/ hummus and two scrambled eggs topped with pepper and dill.

Snack - Handful of strawberries and TJ's Green Drink Mix in water.

Dinner - A plate of steamed broccoli and homemade turkey/veggie/black bean chili.

Snack - Roasted seaweed snack (my favorite) while I watch The Biggest Loser!

I drank a TON of water today.

And before bed I'll have ginger/chamomile tea. Yum.

So today was a breeze. This is how I normally eat but a lot of the time there is some candy or chips thrown into the mix. But not today! One day down! 29 more to go!

Happy Clean Eating!

Eating Clean in November!

2011-10-31T21:50:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is November 1st. I'm excited to start something new.

Clean eating.

I want to try and eat super clean for 30 days. Maybe one cheat a week. But by cheat I mean some dark chocolate. No M&M's. No Doritos. Just the good stuff. And in reality I should be committing to eating clean for longer than 30 days but I can't. I don't want to let myself down. Lately I have a hard time committing to anything so I need to take this one month at a time, or even one day at a time...

I've been doing some new things. I started seeing a new Dr. to try and get my hormones and my anxiety under control. The results have been wonderful! I'm taking some new herbs and a new progesterone cream and I'm pretty excited about it. I think the last thing left to do is to seriously change what I'm putting into my body. I eat pretty good, lot's of veggies, lot's of lean protein... but still this last weekend I ate In N Out. I ate a veggie burger with tons of amazing melty cheese and french fries, then finished it off with half of a milk shake. And I didn't feel great after so it's just not worth it! I've also been obsessed with Tootsie Rolls this last week! It's horrible.

I've been doing A LOT of research on clean eating.

They (Jamie Eason, Tosca Reno, Sarah Fragoso from Everyday Paleo) all say changing your body is 80% nutrition, 10% genetics and 10% exercise. I believe it.

And I want to feel good. Really good. When we put good things into our body, we feel better, we sleep better, we have more energy, our mood is better. It's all around the best thing we can do for our bodies. And we should want to feel good, right??

So this means preparing meals and snacks ahead of time and always having something on me that is good for me.

If anyone wants to do this with me, please do! It'll be a fun challenge with great benefits! 30 days of feelin' good!

And I'm hoping that I'll feel soo good that I won't ever want to dabble in the junky stuff again. I know it gets to a point where that stuff just doesn't sound appetizing at all. And there are sooo many other options out there! Even when we're craving sweets there are things we can eat other than a Snickers bar (my personal favorite). I found www.chocolatecoveredkatie.com. It's all about healthy desserts. And really, they look and sound amazing. And they are filled with things that are good for you like chick peas and beets and oats and flax seed. You have to check her out.

So here we go.

Time to eat clean.

Foofie is three.

2011-10-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Faye turned three on Friday. I'm so sad. She is my tiny little peanut baby. It's so crazy how fast these kids grow and change. The morning of Faye's birthday I held her tight and begged her to stay two! She said she would. But I think she'll keep getting older :(

Faye is soo incredibly special. She is absolutely hilarious and soo freakin' cute. She is sweet and sensitive and loves to do her own thing. She loves her sissy, her mama and her daddy. She loves her baby brother. And she adores Bridgette.

She is just a crazy little lady that makes us laugh hysterically every day.

We love our Faye Faye.

Our Foof Mouse.

Our Foo Foo.

Our Miso Soup.

Our Faye-be.

Our Faysian Invasion.

She is so wonderful!

Happy Birthday to our sweet girl!

Faye and her buddy Tayden:) They are so cute!!!

OCTOBER 15TH

2011-10-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for almost a month. We've been busy!

October 15th was a good day. Good enough to blog about. In the afternoon I went to a friends house to meet her sweet baby Quinne for the first time. This little baby girl is precious. Newborns are the sweetest. I stayed for a few hours and got an insanely good arm workout while holding her. For real. I was super sore the next day. New moms are hard core. I'm not joking... I could barely lift my arms the next day... Ha. So while I was there I got a text from Lane...

I knew this was coming. Our agency told us earlier in the week that they'd be sending us a video of our baby boy. I kind of tried to forget about it because I didn't want to get my hopes up. But it came. I drove home shaking with excitement. It was finally time to see our little guy in action. To see his sweet face and hear his sweet voice. I ran into the house. Lane had the video ready but hadn't watched it yet which I was super excited about. The second that video started my heart skipped a beat. Our baby. I know I've said this already but GEEEEZ!!! HE. IS. PERFECT. I fell in love with him even more within seconds of watching that video. A few minutes in I looked over at Claire. Her eyes were full of tears and she kept saying "He's sooo cute. He's the cutest baby in the world." And then she cried and said, "I want baby brother to come home!" My heart broke into a million pieces right there.

The video is seven minutes long. Seven minutes that I could watch over and over and over again. I've watched it a lot. And I'll keep watching it. Every time I watch it I laugh because he is so sweet and I tear up because I love him and my heart breaks because I miss him sooo much. I want him home so badly. Our family is not complete. I'm hoping and praying that this won't take another year! But that is just what I want and maybe not what God has in mind. Who knows. I just need to be patient. I need to be content in knowing that this is just the beginning and that this little guy is part of family forever and that he is meant to be with us and HE WILL get here.

I wish so badly that I could share pictures because I'm so proud to call him my son. But I can't. If I see you in person I'll gladly show you his sweet face!

So that's the latest on our sweet boy.

And another blog is coming soon. Tomorrow is Faye's 3rd birthday! She gets a post all to herself!

Fall Fashion Week - Day Seven :(

2011-09-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

So sad that today is the last day! This week has been sooo much fun!

Today I'm going super casual.

Me and my ladies are running errands all day... Target, Costco, Trader Joe's and a million other places.

T-shirt: Make Pie Not War (A local girl who makes jewelry.)

Pants: Selena Gomez... again. These things are comfy!

Shoes: Blowfish

Earrings: Forever 21

(Crazy face.)

Ladies this week has been amazing! I got so many fun ideas from everyone. I can't wait for Spring Fashion Week!!! (Emery... hint hint!)

Can't wait to see what you girls have on today.

Have a great Friday!

Fall Fashion Week - Day Six

2011-09-29T11:30:00.000-07:00

It's finally feeling a little like fall today so I'm wearing pants! It's nice out though. Overcast but not cold. Here's today's little number...

Lacy get up: Borrowed from my sis in law. She works at this amazing little boutique called Stella Casa.

Jeans: Forever 21

Head band: Forever 21

Shoes: No idea. I've had them for 10 years.

This post is short but I'm busy today! Can't wait to check out all of you ladies later! Have a great day:)

Fall Fashion Week - Day Five

2011-09-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm out of clothes to wear. For real. I have nothing exciting left in my closet. So I texted my sister in law and she came to the rescue with an arm full of dresses, tops & rompers... Thanks Brittany!

I chose the romper. Because I'm tellin' you... It's hot! It was 82 degrees today! I'm loving this weather. And I'm loving that I get to wear summer clothes.

So here it is...

Romper: Forever 21

Shoes: CL by Laundry

Faye's dress: Target

Claire's halloween costume: My closet

I love that they are pounding their lemonade in every picture.

And after Lane took my pictures outside I remembered to put these earrings on. Super cute teal feather earrings. These too belong to my sis in law. And this picture is funny. I look like a scared alien and Claire's face is just awesome.

I feel so good about getting this blog done the night before! Yes!

Can't wait to see everyone else tomorrow! Good night friends:)

Fall Fashion Week - Day Four

2011-09-26T23:10:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm posting this so early. It's so not like me! But here you go! And once again, (I feel I need to clarify) it is STILL hot up in here... so I'm not dressed for fall.

And I hate to do the mirror pictures... but sometimes when all you have is an iPhone, a 2 year old, and a 4 year old, the mirror just makes sense.

I'm wearing...

Tank top: Urban Outfitters

Skirt: Forever 21

Shoes: Ross (I don't know what brand and I don't feel like getting up to check...)

And Faye isn't wearing the same dress two days in a row(not that it would be surprising if she did) ... I just changed and took some pictures of outfit #2 for the day. But Faye's face is awfully funny in this picture, don't you think? Cutie patootie!

And please check out the beautiful ladies here!!! This really is so much fun! And you can still join in if you want to! And you totally should!

Fall Fashion Week - Day Three

2011-09-26T11:55:00.000-07:00

Day three already!

Once again I'm dressed for summer. It's hot here! We're finally getting our "summer" weather and I'm loving it. We've been outside all morning. The girls have been riding their bikes through the sprinklers and we're about to head out to Jamba Juice.

I'm super comfy today.

Dress: Target

Faye's dress: Also Target

Once again my photographer is my 4 year old little lovely. She's pretty good!

And I'm really loving this fall fashion week. I think I've said that every day so far. But it's so fun. And I'm getting such great fun ideas from all of you. And after seeing you guys I'm desperately wanting to do some thrift store shopping. I don't do that enough and I really should because you guys look awesome.

Check out the lovely ladies at www.emeryjo.blogspot.com!!!

Fall Fashion Week - Day Two

2011-09-25T14:44:00.000-07:00

Today I had a special photographer. She's 4. Her name is Claire and she's awesome. So my pictures are extra artsy today :)

And my outfit... well, it's like 75 degrees today. Not very fall-ish. So I'm wearing something summery.

Also, I've worn this shirt thing every time I've done a fashion week with Emery. I still love it.

Shirt: Hand me down from a dear friend. It's from Urban Outfitters.

Shorts: Target I think.

Sandals: Marshalls

Cute tiny girl: Made by ME.

I'm loving seeing everyone else's outfits. I think tomorrow I'll borrow something cute from my my sis in law. I've got nothing exciting to share with all of you.

Go check out everyone else at www.emeryjo.blogspot.com!

Fall Fashion Week - Day One!

2011-09-24T17:41:00.001-07:00

Yay! I'm so excited to do this!!! Thank you Emery!!!

I love doing this because it gives me a reason to actually get dressed and maybe even put a little makeup. I mean right now I'm writing this and I'm in sweats. Haha!

But here is last nights outfit. I went out to dinner with some of my lady friends. We had a lot of fun!

Super duper casual... And super duper cheap!!!
Shirt: Kmart. $3.00 by Selena Gomez
Pants: Kmart. $5.00 ALSO Selena Gomez
Shoes: TOMS (my faves)

Close up of my pants. They look white in the picture up there.

Earrings handmade by my lovely friend Taryn. She makes beautiful stuff! Find her on Facebook! She's called Ella Dolce.

I'm so excited to see everyone else's outfits!!! My favorite thing to do is sit with a cup of tea after the girls go to bed and look at every single one!

Check out the other ladies at Emery's blog!

Location:Fall Fashion Week - Day 1!!!

Today was a rough one...

2011-09-19T21:49:00.000-07:00

Today was rough. Some days Claire and I just don't click... at all. Today was one of those days. We fight like sisters and that's hard. I don't really know, because I don't have a sister but I imagine that this might be what it feels like. It's wild because she goes from this...

To this...

She's four. Why do I feel so defeated??? She's FOUR!

And then I have this other crazy little lady.

Who goes from this...

To this...

To this!!!

Faye and I don't fight as much but she is still a handful. She's my crazy one but she's also waaay more sensitive so she actually listens a little bit because she doesn't like to be in trouble.

Oh these girls. Holy Moly! I'm tired!!!

And it's been awhile so here are some pictures just for fun...

Yesterday was my beautiful mothers birthday so our family went to the Santa Barbara Zoo then out to lunch! We had a great time! The weather was perfect!

Faye is super into this lately. She loves thumbs up, peace signs...

And proof that my hair is finally growing and that I'm figuring out how to style it!

And last but certainly not least. The best part of my day today. Putting this stuff together. This is a picture of the things we are sending to our baby boy and his foster mom at the end of September. Our agency is going over to Korea so they're going to bring our stuff over and hopefully get new pictures and videos of our little man!!! I CANNOT EVEN WAIT!!!

So today was just one of those days. I'm worn out. And after I finish this blog I'm going to clean my house for an hour then go to bed. Nothing is ever done around here. But really quick I'll say that even though today felt horrible I had peace. I ran and prayed. I'm realizing that when I have these days I can't pray for God to take them from me. I can only pray that he'll help me have the strength to change my attitude and to see the good in my life. And when I willingly accept his peace and joy, only then will my attitude change. He won't force anything on me... even his peace. I'm almost thirty and just now figuring this out. Wow.

I'm in LOVE.

2011-09-10T22:31:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning started just like any other day. I had a stressful morning getting the girls out of the house and to preschool. I dropped Claire off, then Faye. I got back on the freeway and I literally took a deep breath, listened to music and was super excited to have 3 1/2 hours to myself.

At 9:25 am I got a call from a blocked number. I normally would never answer but I did. It was Regina from our agency. She asked me if I had a minute to talk. I said yes but didn't think anything of it since we'd been going over some paperwork stuff earlier in the week. And then she said, "We have a little guy here for you. Can I email you his picture and medical reports?" I immediately started bawling. I told her YES!!! I pulled over because I couldn't see through my tears. My heart felt like it was going to explode. I was soo extremely overwhelmed with joy but I was also nervous. Honestly I felt exactly the same way I did the morning I found out I was pregnant with both girls. I was hopeful and surprised even though I totally knew it was coming. Honestly though, I wasn't expecting to hear anything about our baby until the end of September.

I called Lane as soon as I got off the phone with Regina. He was pretty shocked and told me that I had to wait for him to open the email. He got off early and we met at home. I set up the video camera so I could record our faces while we saw his little face for the first time. I hope he'll love that someday:)

And man oh man. We opened that email and I couldn't believe my eyes.

Perfection.

Our baby.

Our son.

The baby boy that we have been hoping and praying for was right before our eyes. Finally. I knew instantly that he was meant for us. My heart is aching for him at this very moment. I want him here so bad. But I do know that the Lord has perfect timing. I feel so blessed to have come this far in the process. I feel so blessed to know the face of this little person that was meant for our family. We are so very lucky to have been chosen for him. Thank you God for choosing us. We are so grateful!

Sadly I can't post a picture. I don't know what the policies are on that. I know they're different for every country or agency. As soon as I can I will!

But thank you friends and family for all of your prayers for our little man. He's perfect and he's perfect for us. Please continue to pray that things will move along and that his journey home will be smooth. Right now we are looking at bringing him home in about 11 months. That puts us at August of 2012. So hopefully things will stay on track! Hoping and praying! Thanks again friends for all of your love and support. We feel it and we're so thankful!

Getting there...

2011-08-24T21:13:00.000-07:00

Life has been interesting...

I've been trying realllly hard to get my priorities straight, to exercise more, to get more sleep, to eat better, to pray more, to take all of my supplements and vitamins and to be a good mom, daughter, sister, wife and friend at the same time. It's hard to do all of this. The easiest way for me is to write everything down, at least until I get into a crazy consistent routine. I haven't found that place yet where I just automatically do these things. It's going to take time. Lot's of time.

Lane and I just sat down and wrote down a workout plan for me. Along with training for the Vegas half marathon in December I'm doing a TON of strength training. I can feel my body changing and it's fun. It's cool to feel stronger. I just started this routine so I haven't been running... at all. Right now I'm just getting stronger then I'll start running more and more as the half marathon gets closer. The goal is to run this thing and feel good, to have no knee pain and to finish feeling strong and like I could keep going.

Also, I'm on a ton of supplements/vitamins. From calcium to aloe shots to progesterone cream... It's sooo hard for me to remember to take everything. Why do I have such hard time with this??? But I know I feel better when I take them so I need to stick with it.

Good sleep is a work in progress. I mean all I have to do is go to bed earlier, but I have a hard time with that considering that I LOVE my evening alone time. I love watching TV and folding laundry and I love to clean at night. I get so much done. I just need to let that go though and sleep more!

I'm almost 30 years old and I'm finally learning that in order for me to be a better mom, daughter, sister, wife and friend I have to be healthy and strong. When I am healthy and strong and eating right I am happy. And when I am happy I'm a better person all around. So with all that said, I have to take care of me first. This sounds selfish I know. But it's totally true and right.

I want to be good to them...

And him...

They're worth it.

Pixie.

2011-08-12T21:05:00.000-07:00

As some of you know Faye loves to cut her hair. She also loves to have other people cut her hair, particularly other 3 year olds. We went camping a few weeks ago at Lake San Antonio and Faye told her precious little friend Danica, "Find some scissors and cut my hair." And you know me! Of course there were scissors in my purse! Right there in the tent where they were playing. Even after the experience we'd had a few weeks prior when Faye cut her own hair a few times because we literally have 6 pairs of scissors just laying around the house. I know what you're going to tell me... PUT THOSE SCISSORS UP! And the funny thing is after all of this, I still haven't. Ooops. Anyway, so her little friend did a little snippy snip. She actually cut it pretty even. She cut both sides, right above the ear. It's hard to get the full effect when it's not in person... but it wasn't pretty!

Here it is...

My amazing friend Amy cut it and it looks ADORABLE. She did such a good job! Seriously I look at it and I want to chop my hair off! It's sooo cute!

And the pixie cut is back in style, right??

And just for fun here's my little beauties sunbathing in the yard. I love summer.

Picture update...

2011-08-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

I never ever post pictures on my blog anymore... I thought it was time.

We've been sooo busy this summer. We've been all over the place. Camping, Sea World, camping, concerts, and more camping... I'm so glad we just get to be home now. School starts soon and we're just relaxing till then! Aaaaahhh. Feels good.

Here's our summer in pictures...

Most mornings we hang out late in bed.

We LOVE Lake San Antonio!!! It's hot and we swim all day.

Trouble maker. Bridgette. We took her to the lake last week. She went into the water and swam out. I had to dive in and save her life. No joke. She was way under. She lived!!!

Shaver Lake Bakery. We had Chunky Bread for breakfast and it was insanely good.

Faye being cute. As usual.

Don't they look old in this??? So funny.

Selena Gomez concert with Suzanne!!! We had soo much fun!

And lastly some pictures of Lane's new girlfriend. It's a jeep and he loves it. He actually spent the morning and afternoon of our 9th wedding anniversary with it. Yay! But really it's pretty cool and I guess he did some crazy trails with it or something...

So that's our life in a few pictures.

Life is good. We're happy and having fun and STILL waiting to hear something... ANYTHING!!! from the adoption agency. We're still at #2 and we have been for a few weeks. C'mon baby boy!

Dear baby...

2011-07-26T00:05:00.000-07:00

As some of you know I keep a journal with letters to our baby. It's hard right now because all of my letters say the same things over and over again... but I keep writing them because I'm always thinking about him and I have to let him know. You'd think it would be hard to write letters to a little person that you've never seen or met but it's so easy. He is such a part of us already. He's talked about all day long. He is prayed for and loved and adored. Here's one of my letters...

Written June 1st, 2011

Hello little one. Life has been so busy, but I'm thinking of you all day long. We pray for you every night, for your tiny body and you little beating heart... for every little part of you. We pray that your foster family is loving on you like crazy! We miss you! Can we miss you?? We haven't met you yet. I have never held you or looked into your face but I miss you so much! My life is incomplete. My heart is aching to hold you and kiss your sweet face and I just want to tell you that I love you! Baby boy, come home!

I hope that he looks back on these letters one day and knows how loved he was even before we saw him or met him for the first time. I hope he knows that he was a part of our family from the moment God put him on our hearts.

I seriously love our little baby boy! I've been having a rough time with the wait lately. But I'm feeling peace about everything. I'm not stressed... just a little sad. I just always feels like something is missing. We should be seeing his picture for the first time any day now!!!

BFF's.

2011-07-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

I LOVE that Claire and Faye have each other. Lately they are the best of friends. And I'm loving it. They still fight... a lot. But when they are not fighting they've got a pretty amazing little thing goin' on. They laugh, they scream, they run around, they play make believe allllll day, they talk, they read, they watch movies, they color, they pick out each other's outfits and shoes... they do everything together... no wonder why they fight! But I look at their little friendship and I just think it's so freaking cool how God does that. They have each other. They will always have each other. And I pray every night that they will be patient and kind to each other... and I will pray this when they're 15 and 17, I'll even pray this prayer when they are in their 30's. But they have such a bond and it's so cool to see them grow together. It's cool to see how they influence each other and need each other and I hope and pray that it will always be that way. They are sooo different but sooo made for each other. What a special thing to have.

And I can't even wait to watch them love on their baby brother!!!!!!!!!

Sweet sisters.

Adoption Update :(

2011-07-05T23:04:00.000-07:00

I'm sad today. I've been doing a lot of research tonight about Korean adoptions and I'm freaking out. Word is that Korea wants to close their program by 2012. Scary. We are barely starting. I'm worried that this won't work out. We need to have all of our paperwork "accepted" by 2012, which is doable but we're cutting it close since there are only 6 months left in 2011. So please pray. Pray that things will continue to move along and that we'll have patience. If this falls through I want to be okay with it. I know I'll be heartbroken because I have my heart set on that sweet little asian face but I'm trusting that God knows what is best for our family. So this is just a little update. We need your prayers friends!

Camping changes things...

2011-06-26T21:43:00.000-07:00

We've had a great week. Lane was off and we went camping at Lake San Antonio with our wonderful friends.

It was so nice to get away and to sit by a lake and do absolutely nothing for three days.

While I was there I also did a lot of thinking... more on that in a minute...

So, a week or so before our camping trip Lane bought a gnarly trailer. An authentic army trailer to be exact. I have to admit, it's pretty sweet. When we got it, it looked like this...

He did some work on it and painted it black. He also mounted a huge box for us to store stuff in. And our rig ended up looking like this, which is awesome.

Pretty legit, huh?

On the way up to the lake we took the top off the jeep and drove. It was hot out!

We got to the lake and the girls ran to the water and pretty much stayed there for the next three days. They LOVED it. I've never camped at this lake before. But it was cool. There were no real bathrooms, just port-a-potties, (GROSS!!!) and no showers. But I loved it. We got really dirty. We didn't shower the entire time and that was kind of fun. I didn't stress about it at all. Big step for me! Woo hoo!

Claire did soo good in the water this trip! She's always been a little scared of the water. But she was all about it. She was swimming around with her little tube on and didn't have any freak outs. She did awesome.

And Faye was just as crazy as ever. She was adorable (as usual) and really wild.

So all in all, it was great. Camping is great because you can have so much fun with so little. You just sit back and appreciate your family and the beauty around you.

We had so much fun and we can't wait to go back! Soon!

Now, back to the other thing...

God has really really been laying "patience" on my heart! Like big time. There are so many things that I need to give up to him. There are so many things that I need to let go of. (Isn't this everyone's story?? I know!) But I feel like God wants to do something big in me. I'm excited! I want to be stirred and moved and changed. But I can't be until I let go of ME. I love life too much. I love things, and money, and I want to be more fit and have prettier hair. I want to have better skin and cuter clothes. I want something all. the. time. But this IS NOT what he wants for me. He wants me to have what will last. Peace, hope, joy, love, patience... He wants me to be humble and to love him with my whole heart. He wants me to let go of the things of this world and to cling to him. And I want these things that he wants to give to me... but now he's reminding me that I need to be patient. That it won't happen overnight. I won't wake up tomorrow and have these things. These are things that I need to work for. Things that I need to seek out and search for. These things will come to me when I ask for them and truly want them and when I'm willing to give up everything else. So I'm starting a journey. A journey to true peace and hope. I love that in our relationship with God there is always more room to grow. There are always new things to learn. I'm excited to see how he changes me this time. This goes a lot deeper but that's all I want to share for now.

Goodnight friends!

Goodbye outage. Phew.

2011-06-14T18:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. I haven't wanted to blog/ have nothing to blog about/ have been too busy to blog...

But today I'm blogging. Nothing too interesting...

Just life.

So Lane is finally working a normal schedule again! Thank goodness!!! That was an insane month and a half. It was too much. I made it through, but it was rough and I'm exhausted. We had numerous colds, strep throat, nervous breakdowns, horrendous tantrums, nights where I just didn't care that the girls were staying up till 11 pm, and times where I hadn't cleaned the house for a week straight. And now were ending it with a round of colds. Yes.

I'm just so grateful for Lane. Not really seeing him for six weeks makes me realize how much we need him around. Not only does he help so much with the girls and around the house, our family is just so much better with him here. The girls listen better.

And now summer has begun and it's been interesting. With no school there is a lot of arguing happening. Not only between Claire and Faye but between me and Claire. Ugh. It's amazing how being apart for 4 hours 3 days a week helps. We've been together 24/7.

Today, even though the girls are feeling a bit under the weather we went out to Avila Barn and then tried to see Kung Fu Panda 2. We went with my mom and aunt. I can't tell you how the movie was because Faye was ready to leave 20 minutes in.

Here are some pics from Avila Barn. One of our favorite

places...

Faye's not happy :(

Poor Foofie... not feelin' good.

And here are some randoms...

Proof that we have a cool dog. They nap together all the time.

They even nap like this.

And proof that I have a cool husband. Folding laundry for 2 1/2 hours. Pretty sweet.

And nothing is new with our adoption! Still waiting! But checking my email 50 times a day for word from the agency!

Losing Control.

2011-05-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a bad day. One of the worst I've had in a LONG time. And it wasn't because of anxiety. It was just a bad day.

First of all, Lane has been working like 80 hours a week. So I'm tired. And we miss him. We all miss him.

And then yesterday we just had all kinds of things happen. Crazy car problems, kid problems, I was an emotional wreck... It was just a reallllly long day. I'm worn out. Yesterday sucked. All around sucked.

After a really long day and having our car break down in Monterey, we finally made it home after 1 am.

I've come so far with my anxiety. I've written about it a dozen times. But last night in bed around 2 am I just felt this fear. My mind was racing and I felt afraid. I don't even know what I'm really so afraid of. But I got up and prayed for the girls and kissed them. I love doing this when they're sleeping. I got back into bed and got this book out that I read awhile ago called Living Fearlessly. In the first part of the book she has all of these prayers that she calls "fearful prayers". They are all the prayers she wrote down in the beginning of her "letting go of fear" journey. I read this one last night and I had to share...

"Dear God, I want to love you with my whole heart. I want to trust you, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid I'll lose control --- and then anything could happen. I wonder what you'll ask me to do to prove that I love you or what you might take away from me and how painful will it be. I want to change, but I don't know how. I know you know that. Please help me. Please do it gently."

It's so simple. And this is what I fear most. Losing control. I want control over my life and over my girls. Their happiness, their health. But I have to let go of this. I can do my best as a mom, but in the end life is out of my control and I'm still trying to figure out how to be okay with that. I'm still not ready to be okay with that and it's something I might be working on for a VERY long time...

So if you have any stories to share with me I'd appreciate. If any of you deal with this fear of not being in control... I want you to share!

My two little lovelies!

(Thanks for this picture Krista.)

Garage Sale DONE!!!

2011-05-21T17:30:00.000-07:00

Today went soo well!

My goal was to raise $500.

We did a little better than that... We raised $832!!!

Oh it feels so good to know that we have $832 to go towards the adoption.

Our garage sale was insane. We had SO MUCH STUFF. And not only that... it was mostly clothes and little things... so you can only imagine how much we had to sell to raise that much money... also keep in mind we were selling a lot of the clothes for 25¢ a piece. That's A LOT of clothes!

We closed down today and all we had left were clothes. We ended up giving it to the thrift store. We decided we didn't have enough stuff to do another sale tomorrow.

I was so worried that this wouldn't be worth it. But man, this ended up being super duper cool!!! Yay!!!

And I can't write this without thanking the people that helped. My aunt, who let us use her house and helped a ton, the wonderful Suzanne, Marika, and Amy, and my parents. I have amazing people in my life. I'm so thankful for all you guys did today.

Now it's time to relax!!!

Waiting for EVEN longer...

2011-05-16T15:59:00.000-07:00

So... I've been anxious today. Not anxious anxious... but just feeling antsy. We keep hearing different things about the agency in Korea. Now we're hearing the wait is 14 months from referral time. That means we probably won't travel to get our baby boy until August or September of 2012!!! I feel so overwhelmed. It also means that our son will be over 18 months old when he comes home. I don't know. I just need to trust God. To trust that he has a plan and that he makes all things work for good. When we went into this... the wait time from referral was 8-9 months. The difference between 9 months and 14 months is HUGE. Especially when you're looking at a baby's development. He'll change so much from 12 months to 18 months. I'm just so frustrated! Okay, okay. I got that out. I feel a little better now. I have days where I'm completely okay with it and days where it breaks my heart. Today, it's breaking my heart.

Even more waiting...

2011-05-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

We got an email on Saturday. A bummer of an email. It was from our agency, stating that adoptions are really slowing down in South Korea. South Korea has a goal to stop international adoptions completely within the next few years. Some say it's supposed to shut down by 2012, others say 2016. I don't know which is correct. But either way, things are slowing down and that's a bummer for all of us that are waiting.

When I got the email, I didn't feel stressed though. I felt calm and okay with everything. Life is soo busy with two little girls and Lane working like crazy. A few extra months of waiting is okay with me. That gives me more time to get ready for him. To get his room ready and to work on other parts of our house. My goal is to stay super busy and time will fly. Shoot, it already is. I can't believe how fast time flies after you have kids. It's insane.

So it's looking like we'll still be getting our referral within the next month to month and a half and then we WAIT. Instead of waiting for 8 months after our referral, which is what we thought originally, we'll be waiting for closer to a year or maybe even a bit longer. So when our son comes home he'll be almost 18 months old. I feel like now knowing that he's going to be older I need to do a lot of research and learn a lot of korean words! I know babies at 18 months may not talk a lot buy they can understand almost everything! And the korean language is not an easy one to learn! But we'll try!

So please continue to pray for us. For patience and for peace. I believe in God's timing. The Lord knows us. He knows our hearts and he knows our baby boy. I know it'll all work out the way it's supposed to.

Life, acupuncture & aloe vera.

2011-05-06T14:12:00.000-07:00

Life is good. We are busy and things are changing... improving.

I've needed improvement in my life for so long now... over two years. At the height of my anxiety there was no end in sight. I thought I'd just be dealing with my "symptoms" forever. Thank the Lord that that was not the case. I needed time to grow and to change and that's exactly what I did. Looking back now I can't even believe that I was ever in that place. It seems so unreal.

But I conquered it. I made it through without the help of meds. Which now I'm realizing that meds may have helped me to get through it sooner, but that's okay. I'm proud of how far I've come on my own. It took years but I'm here now. I feel alive. I feel accomplished. I'm happy. I have purpose. Life is good.

I still have anxiety. I probably always will. But I've learned how to stop it before it spirals out of control. I do this with prayer, breathing, distraction, and just reminding myself that I don't have control over this life. That what happens, happens. And I'm okay with that.

Yesterday I went to my first acupuncture appointment. It was pretty cool. My acupuncturist is amazing. She is so knowledgeable and I'm excited to see what she can do for me. I'm gonna see her every week for awhile.

My anxiety is under control, but now instead of having shortness of breath, dizziness, or heart palpitations, it all goes straight to my stomach. And then I have issues... stomach aches, nausea, heartburn... you name it. It sucks. So my acupuncturist really focused on my digestive system. She put the needles in then I relaxed and had a nap!!! It was incredible. What a great way to escape!

Also today I started drinking aloe vera juice. I'm gonna take a couple shots a day. It's really supposed to help with digestive issues.

So these are the new things I'm doing, along with eating good clean foods, drinking tons of water, exercising and trying to get more sleep. Seriously people, improving your whole self will change your life. I know I'm such a better person, mother and wife when I feel good.

Any of you a fan of acupuncture? Tell me about your experience...

#4.

2011-05-05T17:13:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about our baby constantly.

Over the past few weeks I've posted a few things on our adoption agency forum, wondering if anyone had heard of any movement on the list.

Every said, "Just call and ask!" And I didn't want to bother the girls over at the agency so I didn't call...

Until today.

And I got some great news!!!

We're #4!!!

I was shocked! I was bawling my eyes out on the phone with the agency. And then I called Lane and cried and then I called my mom and cried some more!

I just can't believe that we are sooo close to knowing who our baby boy is.

This is real. This is happening! And I'm sooo sooo incredibly excited!

MY SON.

2011-04-26T22:45:00.000-07:00

I know I wrote about this a little bit in my Disneyland blog...

But it's been so heavy on my heart I have to write more...

My heart is aching for our baby. I think about him constantly. I honestly just feel like part of our family is missing. And anytime the girls and I are laughing like crazy and having fun, or just sitting quietly and reading or cuddling I want him here so bad to share the moment with us.

He is sooo much a part of of our family already. He's part of our conversation all the time. We pray for him every night... for his health and that he'll come home soon!

He's just part of us! And I can't even wait to bring him home.

I've been keeping a journal for him... It's more like a book of letters written to him. I tell him about our day and how things are moving along with the agency. I pray for him. Keeping a journal for him was suggested to me by a friend who was adopted from South Korea. I thought it was such a good idea and I started it as soon as we got going on the adoption. I know one day he'll appreciate it greatly.

I don't know... I guess things are feeling more real because I started clearing out the play room to make room for his things... Not that he has a lot of things yet. But he will soon. So it's hitting hard that he is actually going to be here! He'll have a room and his own toys and clothes. It's crazy to think about. We're going to have a son!!!

And we're still at #7 on the waiting list. We might be hearing some good news within in the next few weeks. Hopefully, we'll have moved up a few spots! But I'm not feeling anxious. I'm feeling peace about everything. I'm feeling like God knows exactly who he is. He knows our son. I've been praying that we'll bring the baby home that was made for our family and that the timing will be perfect. He's out there and I trust that the Lord knows.

So I just needed to write a little... about him. About how much I love him and how much I can't wait to look at his precious face and feel so proud to call him my baby... my son. Aaaahhh.

Little man... here I am in California. And there you are in South Korea.

We're so far apart but you are my son and I adore you.

Disneyland!!!

2011-04-16T15:38:00.000-07:00

On Wednesday evening we drove to Anaheim so we could go to Disneyland Thursday morning. Yay!!! Me and the girls had been talking about it for weeks and we were so excited. Kind of last minute we got Brittany (sister-in-law/auntie) to go with us. I'm so glad she did. Also, my mom, dad and my aunt came with us. Then while we were there my older brother and his girlfriend Natalie met us for dinner and Lane's sister, Dani also met up with us. Family renunion!!!! It was a blast!

So we made it about 10 miles from our house and I got a speeding ticket!!!!!!!! I honestly didn't even notice that I was going 83! The girls had How to Train your Dragon blasting on their DVD players and I didn't hear the siren. The cop was mad and said he'd had his lights and siren on for "a long time". Ooops. While he was writing up my ticket Claire was screaming in the back seat saying that she wanted to go to Disneyland!!! She didn't think we were gonna make it. Then she asked about every 15 minutes on the way down if we were there yet. We finally made it to our hotel at 10:00 pm!

We all slept good. We got ready and off we went!

Ready to go!

Blonde hair & brown eyes. People think they're mother and daughter.

Autographs from Minnie! So cute!

Autograph from Woody. The highlight of Faye's day!

She was in heaven here...

Faye cried her eyes out for 10 minutes after we left Woody.

She was heartbroken!

Cotton candy! Claire at the whole thing.... gross.

Cute Faye in her first Minnie ears. Isn't she precious??

My grumpy girl after waiting in line to meet Rapunzel for an hour.

Finally! We met Rapunzel and Flynn Rider! It was so worth the wait. They talked to the girls for so long and asked questions and made them feel so special. When we were done Faye blew Flynn Rider a kiss which surprised me! She's NEVER EVER done that before. She's in love. At dinner we asked her who she likes more, Justin Bieber or Flynn Rider?? She said, "Flynn Widew".

So all in all this was a great trip! Everything went smoothly and was easy (besides my stupid speeding ticket!!!). We had so much fun.

*And the WHOLE ENTIRE time my heart was aching for our baby boy. I just felt like he was missing. Like we weren't complete. I'm so in love with our baby already and fun days like this just make me miss him, even though I've never met him or held him, I just want him to be home!

Yay for Disneyland! Can't wait to go back!

Garage Sale Fundraiser!!!

2011-04-11T20:28:00.000-07:00

Hello friends....

So here's the deal... When Lane and I started this whole adoption process we didn't have the funds ready to pay for everything. We've managed to come up with quite a bit of money but still need to raise a few thousand dollars. Lane has been working a ton of overtime and we have some other ideas as well.

Here's where you come in...

I know you've all got stuff you need to get rid of! Bring it over and let me get rid of it for you! I'm gonna do a garage sale to raise funds for our adoption. And if you have stuff you want to get rid of I'll take it! And I'm shooting for Saturday and Sunday, May 21st and 22nd.

This would be a HUGE help you guys.

Let me know!

Email me at thebiermanns@yahoo.com or message me on facebook!

Thanks you guys!

Paso 1/2 Marathon.

2011-04-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

I got up at 4:45 am on Sunday, got ready, and me and some girl friends headed to Paso Robles to run the Wine Country 1/2 Marathon. I was super duper nervous because I didn't train. Well not really. I started training seriously about 2 1/2 weeks before the race so I thought it would be rough one.

But I have to say, training in my Vibrams was a HUGE success!!! My legs felt amazing but my feet hurt like crazy. And about a week ago I got my NB 10's and decided that I'd wear those for the 1/2 marathon. I'm glad I did. I would have died wearing Vibrams for 13 miles.

So the race started out great. Jess and I decided that we'd try and keep around a 9:00 minute pace since we both weren't feeling prepared. The first 6 miles were amazing. No knee pain, no foot pain. I felt awesome. Around mile 7 my feet started to hurt... bad. I think just from running in Vibrams for months. They're pretty tore up. But my knee wasn't hurting at all so that kept me going! I was super stoked because normally my knees start throbbing at mile 6 or 7. At mile 11 I thought, "I don't want to run 1/2 marathons. I'm crazy. Why do I like this???" At mile 12.6 there was in INTENSE hill. Like seriously sooo steep that you COULD NOT run up it. What a perfect way to end a 1/2 marathon??? I think not. But we finished! And I felt pretty dang good. We were were able to keep a 9:15 pace and finished in 2:01! We were happy with our time! I wanted to finish in 2:10 or less.

Afterwards me and my friends, Suzanne and Christin went to a yummy place in downtown Paso and had brunch. Then went to Powell's sweet shoppe and got some candy. We deserved it!!!

So all in all it was a good race! The best I've felt running that far ever! My legs felt different and stronger. I highly recommend training in Vibrams for shorter runs just to use those muscles that we don't normally use. They've changed my world!

Next up... Miracle Miles 10k and the Bull Canyon 10k. And then I GUESS I'll attempt another 1/2 marathon in October. City to Sea here we come...

Christin, Me, Lealah, Jess and Courtney!

Team Running Grrrl!!!

Form.

2011-03-28T21:39:00.000-07:00

This post is all about running... so beware...

Today I put in 11 miles. Pretty good for me. Considering that I haven't really run over five miles in months. I ran 8 by myself. I pushed Faye in the jogger. That was a rough 8 miles but I made it and I felt pretty good. I got home and Lane wanted to run so I did another 3 with him and my mom. Surprisingly, I felt good on that run also... but I was running suuuuper duper slow.

I wanna talk about form. My form has improved soo much since I started running in Vibrams. Seriously, it's crazy. And it's not like I meant to do it either. My body just had to change what I normally did to feel good in my Vibrams. Now my legs are stronger, I don't swing my arms. My heels never hit the ground and I feel good when I run. I feel like I could go forever. No knee pain, no IT band issues... my only complaint is super sore feet and blister after blister. But sore feet and blisters are nothing compared to what I was dealing with before.

The past few weeks I've been transitioning back into "real" shoes. I was running in Vibrams only for a few months, but it's been hard on my feet. And now when I wear my running shoes I actually feel like my form is good enough to where I won't have IT band issues. I've learned how to use the right muscles.

Last week Lane ordered these for me... for my birthday...

I'm soooo excited to try them out. They're the New Balance Minimus 10's. Here's what New Balance says about them...

Minimus is a whole new approach to footwear, a place on the spectrum from barefoot running to the traditional maximum-cushioning running shoe. Inspired by Good Form Running and designed to be worn with or without socks. With only a 4mm drop from heel to toe, as little as a third of that of a traditional running shoe,the Minimus collection holds a world of discovery for neutral runners as well as those with gait issues or chronic injury to conquer by learning better form.

I'm excited about these things! And I'm getting them before my 1/2 marathon, which is in about 2 weeks... so I think I'm gonna wear them.

And if you don't run or you don't care about running than this post was horrible. Sorry.

Finally!

2011-03-25T11:45:00.000-07:00

I'm shaking with excitement today! This morning I was laying in bed... praying for patience for the day. Praying that I'd be good to Lane and good to the girls... and praying that we'd hear something... ANYTHING!!! from our adoption agency! It had been weeks! As you know we were waiting for "permission" from South Korea to bring a baby home to California. I've been feeling doubtful and a little defeated and just wondering if maybe we were going to have to switch countries, because I know of someone who for some reason couldn't get permission so they switched agencies and countries. The past few days, I've just been praying for extra patience. This morning I got the email! We got permission! And not only that!!! We are now at #7 on the waiting list! Not too long ago we were at #12. The list is moving fast. The agency informed me that we'd be getting our referral "in a few short months". Craziness!!! So we're looking at 2 1/2 to 4 months till referral!

Almost "pregnant"...

2011-03-10T22:29:00.000-08:00

This doesn't look like much. But it's taken me a month to complete this paperwork. And I'm DONE!!!!!!!!! I had to take a picture. This was the first big step and it's done!

And I've realized how much I haven't been writing about my precious girls. I know I posted that blog about Claire the other day... but I've been sooo busy with all of the adoption stuff that that's all I can think about, write about, talk about... I feel like now I can just kind of let things happen and soon we'll be officially "waiting". Kind of like being pregnant:) For over a year. Ouch.

So here's what the girls have been up to...

(Claire's creation.)

(Faye's creation.)

I literally have hundreds of pictures on my iPhone just like these! It's crazy. They love to play games on my phone and take pictures of their creations. Claire also has this game where you can take a picture of your own face and put a fancy princess body on it... Super creepy... I need to go find it...

Found it. Scary, huh?

And here they are! My little lovelies just being lovely...

Watching Princess and the Frog with baby Tiana.

Enjoying the rain.

Trying on Papa's motorcycle helmet.

Goodnight world. We've got a home visit in the morning that I'm pretty excited about so I probably won't sleep!

He quiets me with his love.

2011-03-09T22:44:00.000-08:00

This first part is an update on our adoption...

Aaaahhhhh!

We have our final home visit on Friday. This means we hand over all of our paperwork! Insane that this is happening already. I can't even believe it. I was actually feeling a little stressed and like I couldn't get everything ready on time so I called our social worker and she talked me into keeping our appointment. And I'm so glad she did. I just went through everything and we are missing two things! ONLY two things. I'm just waiting on some reference letters... But I've been promised that I'll have them by tomorrow and we'll be set!!! I feel soo relieved.

So in the mean time we are waiting for permission from Korea to adopt. Since our agency works out of Colorado they have to ask for permission to adopt a baby out to a California family. And then once we receive permission we're put on the waiting list for our boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I think I already said this but the waiting list is moving quickly!!!!

So things are happening! Life is so good.

And in all of this... I've been reminded how important it is to stay focused on Jesus. Last night I did a quick run on the treadmill and then hopped in the shower. My plan was to be cozy in a my pajamas with a cup of tea and watch my 2 hours of recorded TV shows. But in the shower I felt like the Lord was just telling me "Spend some time with me instead". So I did. And it was incredible. He is so real. He is so good. He filled me up. I was overflowing and it felt good. I had had a hard day. Two sick girls and a messy house, along with mounds of paperwork has worn me down. But I spent time with Jesus and I felt refreshed and alive and I had PEACE. Oh how I love his peace.

I kept reading this verse over and over again...

The Lord your God is with you.
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Ohhhh it's soo good right? I just LOVE that it says, "He will quiet you with his love". Because so often my mind is so LOUD. There is so much going on. I'm going over my lists of things to do, thinking about how frustrated I am that my house is a mess AGAIN, wishing I could take a nap, thinking about how I need to get a run in but instead I should make more time for the girls, then what to make for dinner???... CRAP. It's never ending. But sometimes we just need to let him quiet us. That's what I did last night. Prayed that he would quiet me with his love. Quiet my heart and my mind. And the peace I felt was so good and so real. And that peace carried on into today. I had an amazing day. The girls were both still sick but the sun was out and we got to spend the day outside. The girls would play and maybe run a little then both have insane cough attacks:( But it was just good to be outside! I got absolutely nothing done around the house and I didn't even care.

So I'm just glad to know that peace. It carries me through. I love it and I need it.

Spanky.

2011-03-04T20:54:00.000-08:00

That's Claire's new name. Lane doesn't call her anything but Spanky.

Claire these days... She's awesome. At four years old she knows everything. She's so sweet. She's so kind. She takes such good care of her sister. She's doing great in school. She still loves everything princess-y. She dresses herself and I have to bite my tongue... because she leaves the house in some wild outfits. As long as the patterns are not matching, her shoes are sparkly and she has a fancy skirt on then she's good to go. She loves to eat... especially fruits and veggies! She LOVES to watch movies. She's hilarious. She's been saying the craziest stuff and coming up with some awesome ideas. One thing she say's that drives me insane is "Mom, I can't listen to you cause you're just a kid..." What??? I asked her to explain this to me. She thinks that since I'm small (I'm 5 feet tall) that I'm a kid, like her. And her dad (who's 6'3) is an adult, cause he's big. Aaaahhhh. That drives me crazy. Some days when she says it I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

And lately a lot of our conversation is about her baby brother-to-be. She's so excited to meet him.

I'm just loving Claire these days (not that I didn't before, OF COURSE I did) but this age is really fun. She is sooo her own little person and I love that little person.

Faye in the background... Haha.

How precious is this picture? Lane was outside of the car pumping gas and him and Claire were chatting. She is so in love with her daddy.

Hope.

2011-02-28T22:46:00.000-08:00

In this adoption process (which we've only been in for about a month now) I've learned a lot. I've already had ups and downs. Days where I'm so excited and so hopeful and days where I am full of doubt and don't know if we're doing the right thing.

Today I am hopeful. Today I know that we are doing the right thing. Today I am so incredibly excited that our tiny boy is probably about to make his way into the world.

I've had a few days filled with doubt but today the Lord reassured me that it's right. That this is what he wants for our family and that he will provide.

Today we found out that our wait time for a referral is 5 months!!! 5 months!!! That's so soon! That also means that our son isn't born yet. He's still in his mama's belly. In South Korea, they don't allow any babies to be put up for adoption until they are 5 months old. First they try to find them a family in Korea and if that doesn't work out they allow an agency in Korea to find a family for them. And that's where we come in!

All I can do now is pray that he is safe and healthy and that he goes to a wonderful foster family until he's ready to come home to us forever. I can't believe that our baby boy is out there. Probably not "out there" yet but in a tummy somewhere in South Korea. Insane. Aaaaahhhh. I've been shaking with excitement all day because today it became so much more real to me that this is happening. It's really happening!

Pray for us. We need it so much. We need to keep our eyes on Jesus in all of this. We need to trust him.

Thank you friends.

Just the beginning... a little update...

2011-02-20T14:16:00.000-08:00

This adoption is so new to us. I haven't written a whole lot about it. But I'll explain a little...

Originally we looked into adopting from Ethiopia. It seemed like the obvious choice for us. We have friends who are adopting from there and we've read a lot about it and heard great stories about it and when I pictured my son I always pictured a beautiful little black boy. But a few weeks into this I was doing a late night run on the treadmill crying and praying for our son. I had an epiphany and realized, "I don't care where he comes from. He's going to be our son. Our baby. That's all I care about." I talked to Lane the next morning and told him how I felt. He told me that he felt relieved. He didn't know why but he just did. So we started researching some more and we felt totally drawn to South Korea. It just felt right and good and now here we are...

We are about 3 weeks into our paperwork and everything is moving quickly.

We had our first home visit on Friday.

When our social worker walked through our front door, tiny Faye said, "Wew's my baby bwudduh?" (Translation: Where's my baby brother.) I promise we did not tell her to say that. It was super cute.

But our meeting went great. I totally freaked myself out about it and it ended up being super chill. Not a big deal at all. Our social worker was awesome. We sat on the couch and talked about life and kids and our hobbies... everything. And I think it went great. I guess it really wasn't necessary for me to clean out and organize every single drawer and cabinet in our house... but I did and I'm glad I did. I feel like our house is clean from the inside out. That's a good feeling.

So another step reached in the whole process. I feel like everything is happening really fast. The real waiting will begin in a few months after all of our paper work is sent to Korea and we are put on a waiting list for our baby boy. YAY!!!!!!!!!!

Can't sleep...

2011-02-12T02:55:00.000-08:00

Here we go again. I'm up. 2:37 am. Can't sleep.

I just went outside because the night is so clear. We live out in the middle of nowhere so there are billions of stars. And if you keep looking and your eyes get adjusted you'll see more and more and more. It's crazy.

While I was out there I prayed... and realized... I'm talking to the God of the universe. Insane. He's huge. He's so much bigger than I will ever know. I mean the stars! He made those. And it's nights like these that I believe he made them to remind us of how big he really is.

Also while I was out there I listened to a song I'm loving right now... It's gotten me through some rough nights. My favorite part says...

"I want to take your word and shine it all around.

First help me just to live it Lord.

And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown,

for my reward is giving glory to you."

I only hope I can live my life this way.

So...

A lot is going on in my life right now. I'm BUSY. Lane's been working a ton and I've been going non stop this entire week. Maybe this is just me finally getting out of my head after 4 days of being alone with the girls and Lane not getting home till after 10:00. This week has been chaos. And on top of that, I'm trying to start the paperwork for the adoption. The paperwork is a little intimidating to say the least. It's kinda crazy.

But in the midst of all of this, I've managed to keep my patience, which is great. I've managed to find time to sit down and play with the girls. Read, color, paint, playdoh, barbies, babies, Justin Bieber dance parties... all of the good stuff.

So here I am. Getting this all out. Life is crazy but God is good.

Home visits and crocheted animals. Yes please.

2011-02-08T19:08:00.000-08:00

Talked to our social worker today!

We have our first home visit on the 18th! Woo hoo!!!

Things are moving and I'm liking it... a lot.

I've been praying like crazy. For our baby and for this process. I know I need to keep Jesus first in all of this. I'm so thankful to be a part of it.

Please pray for us.

Also, it's been fun... I've been looking at boy "stuff". Clothes, toys... you know. I know nothing about this stuff but it's fun. I was checking out some stuff on Etsy. Trying to get ideas for a cute boys room. Found the cutest crocheted animals. I used to crochet. So I decided to try it out. I had to google, "How to read a crochet pattern". It still didn't make sense but I kind of figured it out and ended up with this little guy...

This little octopus found a good home. He went to a friend that I love.

Now both of the girls are insisting on a little octopus. Claire is asking me to have it done before she goes to bed so she can sleep with it. Ya right. This thing took me like 3 hours.

But I see a lot of cute crocheted animals in our future!

And so it begins...

2011-01-31T14:09:00.000-08:00

Application is in the mail!

We're adopting.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. In a really good way. I'm excited and nervous. I feel the same way I did when I found out I was pregnant with both of our girls. I just love this baby so much already and I can't wait to meet him.

Pray for us friends... we're gonna need it.

This is gonna be a long road.

2011-01-28T12:13:00.000-08:00

Exciting things are happening in the Biermann household. Can't wait to share it with all you... Soon.

El Cap!

2011-01-20T23:06:00.000-08:00

This past weekend, our family and TONS of our amazing friends had the privilege of "camping" at El Capitan Canyon. (We stayed in really sweet cabins... so it wasn't camping AT ALL.)

There were a billion kids (21 to be exact) and a lot of adults too. The weather was absolutely perfect like 85 degrees, everyone got along, no broken bones, no missing children... it was just great.

What a nice way to spend a few days away in January! I love the random January heat waves.

And these few days made me really appreciate our friends. I love them so much. I feel like I just spent the entire 3 days laughing. Which is so good. I came home feeling mentally refreshed. That's a good feeling.

I only took a few pictures... on my phone. And I stole one from a friend.

Family.

How sweet is this cabin??

All of our cabins shared THIS backyard. Isn't is amazing?

The girls first time sleeping in a bed together. It was kind of a nightmare.

Exhausted after a HOT fun-filled three days! And yes, they hold hands when we drive. Cute.

THIS happened shortly after we got home. Wow.

All cleaned up and watching Despicable Me.

These girls truly love each other and I love that.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Life so far... 2011

2011-01-15T22:37:00.000-08:00

We're 15 days into 2011.

Things have been... interesting. I've made some great progress already... with my anxiety and all that stuff. No medication (yet), but instead, tons of vitamins and progesterone cream, and lots of running. I'm feeling good about this and I already feel better, physically and mentally.

And I was thinking "Okay, okay, this is good. I'll get super healthy, run a lot, get my life back on track, get my priorities straight..." You know, all the good stuff. Then last night Lane threw me for a loop.

Yikes.

We often have really good before bed conversations. Usually serious ones. I love these talks.

And he said, straight up, "I've been thinking about a third baby. And I'm ready... if you want to."

Of course I want to!!! I've been talking about it for a year!

And remember this is coming from Lane. The man who wanted a vasectomy two weeks ago...

And then I freaked myself out. The pregnancy and birth don't scare me one bit. It's the after part that I'm stressing about. The hormones, the depression, the crying, the anxiety... what a nightmare. Am I ready to go there? Do I even want to go there? Will it be different this time or will it be even worse??? Aaaahhhh. So many questions that I will never know the answers to unless I just go for it. Is my hesitation a sign that I shouldn't do this?

But Lane's ready. He desperately wants a boy... but said he'll settle for a girl... haha. (We'll probably have girl.)

I don't really know what to do right now. Pray for me friends. Please.

What I do for a living... and what I want to do for a living... someday.

2011-01-11T23:17:00.000-08:00

Here's something I wanna put out there...

The other day I met with my "natural" doctor. He asked what I did for a living. Of course I told him I'm a stay at home mom. He asked if I felt satisfied... I was honest and said "no". I've been reading a lot about this lately... even before I met with my doctor. About how if we aren't living out our life's purpose it may come out through anxiety. Is that weird? In a way I think it's true. If there's something deep inside of us that's not being used or fulfilled then it comes out in a different way. Like if God put a passion in me and I'm not using that... that's not good, right? And honestly I have a lot of things I want to do with my life. Things I've wanted to do for a long time but I can't because, right now in my life, I just don't have the time. And honestly I feel like such a big idiot. I've talked to other moms about this. We do the same things, day in and day out. Our time with other adults is so limited. I just feel like I don't use my brain. I'm just here, making meals, and cleaning, brushing Barbie's hair and coloring... all things I love... but I need to stretch myself somehow.

For starters, I want to be a doula, like a real certified doula. I've wanted to do this for a few years now. Since Faye was born. I have such a passion for birth... and labor... and pregnant women. I just love all of it. I love how God is sooo in it. Labor and birth is so powerful.

Also, I'm really interested in nutrition. I don't wanna go to college for a billion years... no way. But I was thinking more along the lines of a nutritional consultant. Doing in-home consultations... stuff like that. And that could work well with the doula thing.

And of course, I have so many big running goals... and these seem a lot more attainable than the other ones.

So, all of these goals will take years and years to complete... I'm hoping that just getting started will help me feel like I'm doing something that I need to be doing.

I had to get this out in words because I've been thinking about it a lot and I need to get on this!

Ramblings at 1:00 am...

2011-01-06T01:27:00.000-08:00

I'm up.

I've been sleeping like a champ. Running is like a wonder drug for sleep... most of the time. Tonight I'm exhausted... but I'm up :(

I don't know. I went to bed and passed out and then woke up and here I am.

So maybe I should tell you my story... A lot has happened in the last 3 weeks. Good and bad.

It started with Claire getting sick a few weeks ago. She got a tummy bug. It was horrible and she felt awful but it was over quickly and she was back to normal in less than 24 hours. But my anxiety stayed. I bleached the entire house for a week after... multiple times a day. I washed my hands every 20 minutes. I tried my best not to let Faye go near her. I was a nervous wreck. I didn't eat or sleep. I lost weight. I felt like crap. A week into this mess I decided to call my Dr. I went in and explained everything and she prescribed me Prozac. I got the prescription filled and then let the stuff sit on my counter for days. I'd look at it and think about it, but I just couldn't bring myself to take it. So I called her back and told her I didn't feel comfortable, and was there something else she could give me that I could take for "emergencies"? She called in some Xanax. I picked it up. And that too is here... unopened. I don't know what my problem is. I don't feel ready to take anything.

So I called and made an appointment with a Dr. who practices integrative medicine. My experience there has been incredible.

My first appointment was with the medical assistant. We were talking as she was doing some tests on me and we ended up talking about Jesus. She was saying how she totally believes that so much of the battle with anxiety and depression is spiritual. I believe it. She prayed for me right there and I bawled my eyes out. I left the office kind of in shock. Can you say break through? That's what I was hoping for.

I went back a few days later to meet with the Dr. He was awesome. He talked to me for over an hour about life, my health, my anxiety... everything. He prescribed me LOADS of vitamins and some progesterone cream, which I'm excited to try.

Also, I went and saw yet another new therapist who referred me to yet another new therapist. I think we're getting somewhere... I hope!

I'm feeling confident that 2011 will be the year that I get over this STUPID anxiety. It may always be a part of my life but it will not control me forever. No way.

So this is what I'm going through lately... anxiety wise.

And now running.

Aaaahhh running. How I've missed it.

I took a five or six week break... No wonder why my anxiety was through the roof!

But I started a half marathon training schedule and I am LOVING it.

I'm training in these...

(Photo: alpineshop.com)

Vibrams. I hope to run my half marathon in them in April. So far they're great. I don't have IT band issues when I wear them... yet. But I do have some other weird twinges in my feet and ankles. I'm hoping that these things will pass as the muscles in my feet and legs get stronger. We'll see.

So hopefully, with the combination of running, good sleep, good food, lots of vitamins, some progesterone, prayer, and a little therapy I can kick this anxiety's a**.

Goodnight everyone.

Pregancy update.

2011-01-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not pregnant.

So apparently the "blue dye" pregnancy tests are sketchy. There are a bunch of forums out there on the internet of angry women trying to ban blue dye pregnancy tests because they're notorious for giving false positives. Sad.

Right after I took that test last week, Lane rushed to the store to get some more. He got the EPT digitals... I took all three of them. One as soon as he got home, one the next morning and one in the middle of the night... the night before I started my period. I was 4 days late... so I thought for sure this was it. I'll admit, I'm kind of sad... Baby number three is sounding really fun right now. So, maybe this little situation made me realize that I'm not done having babies??? I don't know. We'll see.

Just wanted to update you. I kind of left that up in the air.

Sorry to disappoint!

Resolutions 2011.

2011-01-01T00:03:00.000-08:00

Last year I did a resolutions post... So I wanted to do it again...

Looking back I realize that I actually stuck with most of them... There are a couple I'm still working on. But I've made progress!

So this year I have a few...

1. To continue working on ways to be anxiety free!!! I know it's a process. A long process. But this year I want to put in all that I can to get out of this rut! I want to do it for me and for my family and I can't wait.

2. Run MORE!!!

3. To run a half marathon pain free! I have yet to do this. I ran 2 half marathons and one 25k in 2010 and some other races... anything over 7 miles was excruciating. (Thank you IT Bands.) So I need to ease back into running longer distances and really do a lot of strength training.

4. Also, to run a half marathon in Vibrams... if my knees will let me.

5. Less time doing pointless things... lurking on facebook, TV, doing nothing on the internet... waste. of. time.

6. To finally start my courses to become a doula! Geeeez. It's taking me a long time, I know. But I feel like I'm needing something like that... something to push me.

7. To east less sugar. I know I wrote a blog about this months ago. But I have some serious issues. I just have to stop. I love chocolate so much.

8. To stay caught up on my laundry. I know this is a silly one. But I'm so horrible at doing laundry, it's kind of ridiculous. I just can't keep up... also, I just hate doing laundry... that might have something to do with it.

9. To play more with the girls. I'm always so busy doing "something". I rarely just sit down and play with them. But when I do, it's fun and I love it. I love seeing their little minds work. I don't want to miss out on anything... so I need to spend more time just being with them, whether it's princess bingo or having a wedding for Ariel and Justin Bieber again... I wanna be there.

10. To be a better wife. This one's so cliche. But I do want that. I want to be better in a lot of ways. More patient. More loving. More attentive. More dinners on the table when Lane gets home from work. And to pray for Lane more. I don't pray for him enough.

So here they are. And it's now 12:02 am.

I'm so excited for 2011. I need a fresh start. I know it's just a date but it feels good to start a new year.

Lord, help me to grow this year. To be a better person. A better wife, daughter, sister, and mother. Help me to trust you and to depend on you. Thank you for what's to come.

Goodnight world. HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Bier me is (almost) back...

2010-12-29T03:04:00.000-08:00

In a pursuit to get my butt in gear... I signed up for this half marathon yesterday.

I'm debating whether or not I should train for this wearing Vibrams and then see if I can run it wearing Vibrams... or if I should find some amazing comfy shoes to run in... Hmmm.

Either way, I'm running it!!!

Christmas 2010...

2010-12-26T21:51:00.000-08:00

Christmas was absolutely wonderful this year.

Everyone was happy. Everyone got along.

I feel that this year I thought a lot about what Christmas really is... and what it's supposed to be. It felt good to not have anything on my Christmas list this year. And to just be excited for the girls. I wanted them to have fun. I also talked to Claire a lot about the true meaning of Christmas. We talked about it for weeks before. So on Christmas Eve when she was opening her presents and yelling, "Do I have any more??? Where are my other ones???" I was able to remind her of what we had talked about.

Christmas Eve was at my parents... it always is. We did dinner then Claire and I did a few songs for everyone. She sang and I played guitar. She was so CUTE. And then my dad "read" us the Christmas story. He actually just had it playing on his iPad and he held it up so we all could see. Haha. Technology these days. After we opened presents we went home and set out cookies and milk for Santa and our exhausted babies went to bed.

Christmas morning was so fun! The girls woke up around 8:00. Claire ran out to make sure that Santa had eaten the cookies and drank the milk. And of course he had. Then they opened their presents from us and Santa. We spent the afternoon laying around then did a big Christmas lunch at my parents. Delicious. Then we jumped in the car and headed to Solvang (in the pouring rain) to have dinner with Lane's dad and step mom and her kids. We had a great time there. Even though I spent the majority of the evening sleeping on the couch and waking up for 2 minute periods to watch iCarly. (I love that show...) But it was so good to spend time with the Solvang peeps.

It was a busy busy busy weekend! But it was amazing. I'm glad it's over. And I'm super excited because this means that summer is right around the corner!!! WOOHOOOO!

*This is random*

One last thing... I took a pregnancy test this morning. It was positive. So Lane went to the store and got me some more tests... which were negative. I'm gonna say... I was kinda bummed. I'm gonna take another one in the morning just to be sure... And also, weird to get a false positive??? Right??

Here are a few pictures...

I didn't take that many this year. Bummer.

On our way to THE Christmas party!!!

Presents!!! Yes. It was a tad bit overboard.

Foofie loves her aunt Beetee.

Claire said, "I guess he didn't like this cookie! He only took one bite!"

And christmas wouldn't be christmas without this bed head. It's getting better every year.

My wise man.

2010-12-09T02:49:00.000-08:00

Alright people... it's 2:27 am.

I'm typing this with shaky hands... waiting for the calm to come so I can get some sleep.

I've been in a weird place for the past few weeks. Better in some ways, worse in others.

I just had an insane experience... with Lane. As some of you know, I've been going it alone with this whole anxiety thing. I have a wonderful husband. He's supportive in other ways. When he knows I'm stressed he's extra helpful around the house, or he'll take the girls so I can nap or have alone time. He's amazing. But when it comes to my anxiety he's never really said anything. Tonight he was at a friends house and came in late. I was in bed... awake. The lights were off but when he came in I turned my light on and told him I couldn't sleep. He asked why. Anxiety. He asked if he could give me a back rub. I let him for a few minutes but I felt like I couldn't breathe so I made him stop. He asked me what was going on and I said, "I don't really know. My mind is just racing..." He said, "If I could take it for you, I would in a second. I would take on whatever you're dealing with in a split second." And then he started to cry. Let me say, Lane DOES NOT cry. Ever. He cried on our wedding day and maybe one other time...? But we've been together for 10 years now. And he doesn't cry.

But this man wept for me tonight. He tried to hide his face in his pillow but I could hear every sob... for me. We cried together... for the first time ever. He said he was just so frustrated. Frustrated that he couldn't fix me and frustrated that I'm doing this alone. He kept saying that he would take it from me if he could.

And then we talked. About everything. For the first time ever. Lot's of firsts tonight...

I just haven't felt like I could share this stuff with Lane. He doesn't get anxiety about anything. He doesn't have ANY. AT. ALL.

But he explained how it affects everyone around me. I knew this, but it's eye opening to have someone tell you straight up. He told me he sees how it affects the girls, and my parents, and of course, him. I know this and it should be enough to make me say, "ENOUGH. I'm done with anxiety." And I want to say that with all of my heart. But how?

We also talked about the positives and negatives in my life. I have a loooong list of positives and I have one thing on my negative list... you guessed it... anxiety. And which one do I spend more time thinking about? Anxiety. Which one do I pray about more? Anxiety.

Lane told me, "I don't pray often but when I do it always starts with 'Thank you'". He said when things come up in life that are rough he doesn't beg God for a way out, he just waits for it to pass, because that's life.

I am married to a wise man. A man that sees the world in a way that we all should. A man that is thankful. A man that just taught me a great lesson about myself.

Thank you for loving me Lane. Thank you for crying for me. That's what I needed tonight. I needed to know that you are here and that you don't understand but that you love me. Thank you. I love you.

4:16 am.

2010-11-25T04:52:00.000-08:00

I'm up. 4:16 am. I shot out of bed in full panic mode, ready to run from something... but how can you run from yourself? Does anyone ever feel like with your anxiety you'll be feeling really awesome about it and then it gets worse before it can get even better. I think that's where I'm at. It might be the enemy attacking me... or it might just be me. Either way, I'm up. Wide awake. And it sucks.

Anyone read My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers? I've been reading this little book almost everyday for probably 8 or 9 years. I'm sure there have been times where I've gone months without reading it, but I've read it a lot. It's an old book. The first edition was published in 1932. This man had an amazing heart for God. And it's crazy that he wrote all of these things that I can relate to today. It shows that God never changes. It's a little devotional book. There's some scripture and some insight from Oswald Chambers for every day of the year. I particularly love his entry for November 7th... "The Undetected Sacredness of Circumstances". He's starts with the verse Romans 8:28... "We know that all things work together for good to those who love God..." And then says this, "The circumstances of a saint's life are ordained of God. In the life of a saint there is no such thing as chance. God by his providence brings you into circumstances that you can't understand at all, but the Spirit of God understands. God brings you to places, among people, and into certain conditions to accomplish a definite purpose through the intercession of the Spirit in you. Never put yourself in front of your circumstances and say, 'I'm going to be my own providence here; I will watch this closely, or protect myself from that.' All your circumstances are in the hand of God, and therefore you don't ever have to think they are unnatural or unique."

I truly believe this... but I don't live like I believe it. I believe that God knows every part of me. He knows my heart and my mind and my body. He knows what I'll do and say tomorrow... and the next day... and the next. But I don't live my life like I know these things. Sometimes I live my life in fear of the next day, hour or moment. I'm fearful of the unknown. Lately it's not everyday that I feel this way, which is a step in the right direction. Why can't I just accept my circumstances, know that I'm there for a reason, and get on with my life? Because something in me is telling me to fear.

I'm over this living in fear thing. I'm ready to move on but I know it's gonna take more time. I got myself into this mess and now I have to dig myself out. And that's gonna take months... maybe even years. But I'm willing to put in the time to get rid of this.

And seriously how many blogs can one person possible write about anxiety. A LOT apparently. Sorry guys. This is just what I do in the middle of the night.

Run with me!

2010-11-22T22:45:00.000-08:00

Alright running friends...

Who's up for a little challenge??

I wanna do something to get me (and all of you) motivated!

How about setting a weekly miles goal?

Since the City to Sea half marathon I have been slacking. BIG TIME. After that I just didn't feel like I had anything to work towards. And that race was so bad for me I was just bummed out on running. I've ran a few miles here and there but my love and passion for running kind of died out for a little while and now I feel like I lost one of my best friends. I'm sad. I'm irritable. I'm soo tired all the time. I'm depressed.

I. need. to. RUN.

So let's do something about this...

Let's set a goal for this week.

Let's say 20 miles total for this week? That gives us six days to get 20 miles in. If we run everyday that's only a little over 3 miles a day... or split it up into some longer runs.

Who's with me??

Bring on the earthquakes...

2010-11-15T16:53:00.000-08:00

Read this... and read all of it. I want input and opinions about the last part...

So I started seeing a new counselor.

She's awesome.

I've seen her twice. We're doing sessions every two weeks and I'm honestly feeling waaay better about life... about everything.

We focus on my specific phobias and fears and that's working out really well for me. We aren't going to dig into my past... (I don't think there's anything to dig up.) We're just focusing on now and why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel. She made a good point that hit me hard. She said prayer is awesome. It will work in amazing ways. We can use it find peace and to relax but sometimes we need more. She said I could take a grain of wheat and lay it on my table and have every pastor in the world come to my house and pray that it would grow and produce... but it won't. It needs to be planted in the ground to grow. So if I just take the grain of wheat off of my table, plant it in the ground and give it some water it'll produce. So that's me... I have these issues. I've been praying and praying for 2 years that God would take them from me. But what I've really needed is to find a way to let them go. I need to give them up and get them out of my life. I need to do that on my own and then he can do amazing things in me. I just haven't given it up yet. But I'm well on my way. So instead of just sitting and waiting for something to happen, I need to take the next step.

And this is kind of off the subject... but it'll all tie together... I think.

A local pastor, whom I love and respect, made an announcement at his church the other day. (This is the church I grew up in... but that I don't go to anymore.) He said he had a "vision". I don't know if those are the exact words he used. He said that he feels there will be an earthquake in California. He feels it might be in March. He's predicting an 8.0 or higher and he says it will be statewide. He's calling is a "Mercy Shake". But an 8.0 statewide earthquake would be a lot more than a mercy shake. People would die. A lot of people would die.

YIKES.

I heard this and thought, "This is ridiculous." Seriously.

The hard part is, this is a trustworthy man. A man that has known my family since I was tiny. He loves Jesus soo much. But wow. I don't even know.

I believe that God still speaks to people in this way. But I don't agree with putting a time or a number on anything.

What if this doesn't happen? Hundreds and hundreds of people in his church will be... let down? And what if it does? Why is the pastor the only one I know of that has ever heard from God in this way? And why is God not speaking to other pastors in California about this? Why can't he let them know so they can tell there churches to be prepared for this HUGE disaster?

I'm just confused I guess. It's the kind of thing where you hope it doesn't happen... of course.

Also, I believe that God gives people discernment and so far I haven't heard anyone say that they think THIS IS IT. People are like, "Uhhhh.... what?"

So ya, this is going on. I'm soo surprised that my anxiety isn't through the roof over this. I've been pretty calm about it. Just like, "Ya maybe, maybe not? Whatever happens, happens."

So this is to say that, my anxiety has gotten soo much better. Seriously? I should be a crazy person right now and I'm not. I'm okay. I have Jesus. I have my family. I'm happy. I'm content. I've been shaken up in a good way. I'm ready for life. I'm ready for whatever. These things that I'm so afraid of will only make me stronger. So bring on the earthquakes, (not literally please) because I can handle em'.

And P.S. This has gotten me thinking though... Getting some supplies together is not a bad idea. You know... just in case. You never know. There will be an earthquake at some point. I mean... this is California.

Much needed girls trip.

2010-11-09T00:02:00.000-08:00

Here I am. I fell asleep on the couch a little bit ago then tried to get up and go to bed... and here's what happens... I'm WIDE AWAKE. So I thought it would be a good time to post my blog about Disneyland.

We had been wanting to do a girls only trip for sooo long. We finally sat down and kind of threw this trip together. We decided on Disneyland. It's not too far from home and it's super duper fun. And I haven't been without kids in 4 years! Lane and I used to go all the time. And I love that place. It really is so dang magical.

We left late Thursday night and drove to Pasadena. Lisa's parents have a condo there. It worked out perfectly. We got to hit up Ikea before Disneyland, which was amazing! We got to Disneyland around 2:00 on Friday and stayed until midnight. We were soo tired and soo delirious. But it was a blast. Then we got up on Saturday (after a FULL nights sleep... thank goodness!!!) and headed over to California Adventure. We spent the day there. I didn't go on most of the rides... because I HATE that kind of stuff... but I did participate in the bumper cars and the water rafting ride when it was night time and freezing cold. (Good idea Lisa!!! I'm totally kidding.) And of course I got the most soaked out of everyone.

And then we ended the night with the World of Color show and that was absolutely incredible. Even though we had to run about a mile and a half to see it. We had to be back by a certain time and we were running late. We ran all the way from our hotel to the park. Let me tell ya, running at 10 o'clock at night in jeggings, a jacket, a scarf and little ballet flats is not easy... and not that fun. But we made it and that's all that matters. It was worth it! That show was insane. If you're ever there you CAN NOT miss it.

So here are some pictures. I didn't want to go overboard on the blog, so I'm not gonna put up a ton. Enjoy!

Samantha, Lisa, Jackie and Lori... Love these girls.

SO excited to go to Disneyland!

Cuddling on the Matterhorn.

Pickle time.

I was THRILLED to have my picture taken with Mulan! Isn't she gorgeous???

This was actually the first picture I took. We were just leaving. But I don't have the energy to move it to the top right now.

This carousel was adorable.

"E" for Erin. I made it happen.

We had just run a mile and a half.

World of Color. This does not do it justice.

Lane sent me this picture of the girls Saturday morning. My heart was already breaking because I missed them so much and then I got this.

There's so much more I could say about this trip. It was wonderful. I needed it. It was great to be with friends and to get away but at the same time it made me so incredibly grateful for my family because I missed them SOO much. This trip made me a better mom. I came home so refreshed and ready to be with my family. And being around all of those babies at D-land kind of made me want a baby. Uh oh.

Claire.

2010-11-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

Stole this from Skylana, who stole it from Emery. And I totally remember when Emery did this a few years ago. I don't know if you made up these questions Skylana, but I just used yours. So thanks :) And I've always wanted to do this... because kids say cute things.

1. What is something mommy always says to you?
Claire!

2. What makes mommy happy?
When I say, "Love you!"

3. What makes mommy sad?
When I do bad stuff to Faye.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
Make funny faces.

5. What was your mom like as a child?
Uh... my little pony?

6. How old is your mom?
Uhh... firty? (30)

7. How tall is your mom?
Four.

8. What is her favorite thing to do?
Pet Bridgette.

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Hang out with Faye.

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Um I know! Loving.

11. What is your mom really good at?
Playing with me!

12. What is your mom not very good at?
Eating popsicles.

13. What does your mom do for her job?
She cleans dishes.

14. What's your mom's favorite food?
Noodles.

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
Buckling me up in my carseat.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Jasmine.

Fall Fashion - Sunday

2010-10-31T08:55:00.001-07:00

Can't believe its already Sunday! This week flew by despite the fact that the girls have been sick all.week.long. I'm so thankful that today is a new day. We're still sick over here but it just feels good to wake up to a new morning.

Today's outfit is... eh. I threw this on because I get to go to the store!!! Woohoo!!! My moms gonna come over and watch the girls so I get to get out for a minute! Thank the Lord for my mom!

Shirt & leggings: Forever 21
Dress: Urban Outfitters
Shoes: China Town in SF

Have a great day everyone! Have fun with your little ones:)

Fall Fashion - Saturday

2010-10-30T10:07:00.001-07:00

I'm attempting my first blog on my iPhone because Claire took over the computer. She's really busy watching Justin Bieber videos on YouTube.

It's Saturday! Now Faye has a fever so we're takin' it easy. We'll be having yet another movie day over here. And I'm gonna try and get a Costco trip in at some point. So today's outfit is super casual.

My little sickie... Dreadlocks and all.

Sweatshirt: Ross
Tshirt: Lane's closet
Jeans: Triple Q (hand me downs)
Shoes: Blowfish

Hope everyone has a great Saturday!

Fall Fashion Week - Friday

2010-10-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

I've been inspired. So many of you have been wearing comfy knee length skirts this week. I have a couple so I decided to bust one out. I haven't worn this since I was pregnant with Claire. But it's super comfy. And today I wanted to be comfy. The only things on my agenda today are running and showering (already did those), paying bills, grocery shopping and a little cleaning... oh and buying a new washer/dryer online! YES!!!

Shirt: Ross

Skirt: I don't know... but it has pockets so I like it.

Shoes: Blowfish

And me wearing my hair down is a big deal. It's in that awkward stage... still kinda short but also kinda long-er-ish. (Long for me anyway!) Grow hair grow!

I'm sad that fashion week is almost over! Check out the other girls on Emery's blog!

Fall Fashion Week - Thursday

2010-10-28T15:53:00.000-07:00

Finally! It's almost 4:00 and I'm finally posting.

It's almost 80 degrees here today... not exactly sweater, tights and boots weather. So I had to wear shorts. It's just too nice out.

Cardigan: Steve and Barry's (like a million years ago..)

Tank Top: American Apparel

Shorts: Pants I bought at Kohls and cut off

Knee Socks: Forever 21

Boots: Steve Madden from Marshalls

And Claire had her Harvest Party at preschool today. Doesn't she look so cute in her Batgirl costume?

I'm loving seeing what you all are wearing! I feel bad because I don't get to look at everyone since like 80 ladies are doing this every day!

Fall Fashion Week - Wednesday

2010-10-27T10:43:00.000-07:00

Wednesday already! Crazy.

Today it's actually cold enough to wear leggings and boots. It's like 65 degrees today! Brrrr!

This first picture is funny. Totally looks like I meant to do this dramatic pose. I didn't mean to! I'm still trying to figure out how to take pictures of myself without using a mirror. So I was about to fix my hair... and this is what I got... haha.

Shirt: Forever 21

Skirt (with pockets!!!): Forever 21

Leggings: Target

Boots: Steve Madden from Marshalls

Annnnnd... Back to the mirror. I'm better at the mirror shots.

And I seriously LOVE fashion week. It's something I'll be looking forward to every season so I hope it keeps happening. Can't wait to see what you guys are wearing!

Fall Fashion Week - Tuesday

2010-10-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

My outfit isn't very exciting today... Claire is home with a fever so I'm not doing much of anything... besides spoon feeding chicken noodle soup and cuddling... oh and putting in a new DVD every hour and a half or so... But because of Fashion Week I actually got dressed... I would have for sure stayed in PJ's on a day like today if it weren't for that.

Soo ya, jeans and a t-shirt it is.

Unicorn shirt: Urban Outfitters

Cardigan: Forever 21

Jeans: Hurley from Marshalls

Wouldn't be a t-shirt and jeans day without TOMS... holes and all.

My little sicky. She actually said, "Okay I'm gonna make a sad face now" right before I took this and then I have like 7 other pictures of her smiling huge. She felt alright today... just a little fever. And I'm surprised every time I take a close up of her face... but how much does she look like Lane?! It's crazy.

And Bridgette posed for me so I had to post one of her. Isn't she hilarious? I laugh just looking at this picture. I don't know why.

Happy Tuesday everyone! Can't wait to see what everyone else is wearing!

Fall Fashion Week - Monday

2010-10-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty excited about this. This will be my 3rd time participating in a fashion week. I didn't think I'd love doing it, but I do. I especially love checking out what every one else is wearing.

Here's today...

Cardigan: I have no idea...

Dress: $3 at Walmart (Miley Cyrus) Score!

Leggings: Forever 21

Stripey Slip-ons: Walmart

Wow, it seems that I like to shop at Walmart.

And then everyone wanted to get in on it...

Sorry for the crappy iPhone pictures. Have a great Monday everyone! Can't wait to see what all of you are wearing!

Check out Emery's blog:)

Faye turns two.

2010-10-21T17:55:00.000-07:00

I know I already did a post on Faye for her bday. But I wanted to post some pictures... which gave me a good excuse to look through all of her newborn pictures!!! I love to do that. So I wanted to post some. She's changed so much. She's grown up into the sweetest 2 year old little woman. I love her more every day. Happy Birthday Faye.

There's nothing my God cannot do.

2010-10-18T21:01:00.000-07:00

I've been having a rough... month. Lane working nights has taken my anxiety to a whole new level. It makes me realize that we are such a great team. I need that guy around. He makes me a better person. With him around, I'm so much more calm. I have more patience. I have more joy. This is proof that God brings people together. Two are better than one.

Right now I just miss him. I miss our family dinners every night. I miss giving the girls a bath then handing them off to Lane so he can wrap them up tight in their towels and cuddle with them.

My heart breaks when Claire asks again and again, "Where's daddy?" She loves him so much. She's missing him like crazy.

I just feel a little bit empty and I can't wait for this job to be done so we can have Lane back. Less than a month left to go!

Tonight I think Claire knew I was sad. So she was singing to me, and teaching me a song she learned at school...

She sang, in her cute little voice. "My God is so big, so strong, so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do."

And then she said, "Mom do you like the part that says, 'There's nothing my God cannot do?'"

"Yes baby, I love that part."

I know what I'm feeling is something "small". It's not really a big deal. It's just a little sadness. But it's nice to know that "there is nothing my God cannot do". Thanks for the reminder tiny one.

Happy Birthday Foofie.

2010-10-17T20:28:00.000-07:00

Faye's birthday is actually this coming Thursday but we celebrated this weekend with a little family party.

Lane's sisters came into town. One from LA, the other from Monterey and the girls were soo excited! Claire and Faye are obsessed with their aunties. All of the grandpa's and grandma's were there, and Auntie Marilyn, Uncle Adam, Aunt Brittany and also Faye's boyfriend/future husband, Jackson and his mama Lori. So we kept it small, which made me realize how much I HATE doing giant parties. This was just so much easier!

I did a Yo Gabba Gabba party. I didn't go too crazy on the Yo Gabba Gabba stuff but we did some little things to make it special.

We also ordered Baja Fresh for everyone because Faye pretty much only eats beans and rice and Baja Fresh is her favorite. It was delicious.

All of Faye's favorite treats... Well, some might be my favorite...

That peanut butter frosting is insanely good. YUM.

Faye collage.

Lane always thinks I'm weird when I take pictures of food and stuff... Haha... But HELLO, it's for Faye's birthday blog!!!

She really loved her cupcakes!

New balance bike and a Hello Kitty helmet.

Jackson. Isn't he a cutie patootie?

Hugs for Bridgette!

Happy Birthday Faye!

You are crazy, silly, hilarious and so precious! You make us laugh a hundred times a day. You are an old soul. You love to have your alone time. But also, you're a mama's girl. I don't want you to grow up! You are so tiny and wonderful and I love your baby cuddles. Please stay little! I know you can't but you will always be my little one. I love you with all my heart!

City to Sea Half Marathon.

2010-10-11T21:42:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I ran the City to Sea Half Marathon. It started in down town San Luis and we ran to Pismo Beach. The run was beautiful. There were quite a few unexpected hills... which was kind of a bummer.

Quite a few girls from our running team ran it and did UHH-MAZING! Seriously, they kicked butt. I was so inspired by each and every one of them. I wanted to stop and give up so many times yesterday but the thought of meeting all of them at the finish line kept me going. I love love love our little team. We pretty much rule. I can't believe how far all of us have come together. And if it weren't for the support I don't think we could do what we do.

Aren't we cool?

And I feel like a little jerk but I may have been a bit rotten after the race yesterday...

I needed sugar!!! I realized that when I almost passed out and threw up at Broadway Bagel and also I had some other things going on...

First of all I was BUMMED out. My knees (BOTH of them!!!) hurt like a moe foe. Seriously, every stride from mile 9 on was borderline excruciating. So I was just mad at my body. And also, I was having some major stomach issues. I felt horrible until I woke up this morning. Why can't running be easy? Why can't I run without pain? I watch Lane do these 50+ mile races and all he gets are sore feet or black toe nails. (SICK. I know.) But seriously? No blisters? No knee problems? Some people are just meant to run far... and some aren't. I guess I just got super discouraged yesterday. And I honestly thought, "I'm not meant to run 1/2 marathons." But if I can find a way to run that far and NOT have knee pain then I'll do it again and again and again. Because I love it. When I run in my Vibrams I don't have knee pain, but I have other pain... like in my ankles and feet... but that might just be from not having the support of a shoe? I don't know. Am I willing to switch out my knee pain for something else? I guess it's worth a try.

So I have another half marathon coming up in 2 weeks. Vibrams or no Vibrams? That is the question.

Me and my favorite running buddy, Jess.

Me and Jess still feelin' good 5 miles in. Well, she felt good the whole time. Me... not so much.

Bridgette.

2010-10-06T14:25:00.000-07:00

For those of you that don't know...

We adopted a new little lady. A french bulldog.

Bridgette.

We loved Dexter. But he wasn't loving Faye so we found him a new wonderful family and he's doing great. We went about a month without a dog and it just didn't feel right. So I found this little girl. She's 4 1/2 years old. She came from a local breeder. She'd given them a few litters and after her last one in August they got her fixed and put her up for adoption and we were lucky enough to end up with her.

She is seriously the BEST dog in the world. She lets Faye lay on her, sit on her, pull her ears... She returns Faye's pokes in the eyeballs with big kisses. She loves everyone. She loves dogs. She ignores our chickens. She loves to lay around the house. She loves to ride in the car, which is great. We spend a lot of time driving since we live out in the country.

And she's just adorable. You may not think so... But man, I love her. I'm always telling Lane, "I just love her so much!" And he's like, "I know. I know." I probably tell him that like eight times a day.

And geez. I just love her. You would too.

Outage... the life ruiner.

2010-10-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

So we're in outage mode right now... for those of you that know me in real life you know that means that Lane works nights for what seems like an eternity and I become a single mother. We literally see Lane for 1 or 2 hours out of the entire day and during that time he is eating, showering, and getting his stuff ready for work. We've almost made it through week one and

my head is going to explode.

I feel like I'm going crazy. Remember that blog I wrote about props to single moms?? Well SERIOUS props to single moms. You are my heroes.

Not only am I doing everything alone that I'm used to having help with but we are also dealing with the terrible/wretched/rotten two's and also the terrible-almost-four's. (Is there such a thing?) I don't know what is going on with these kids, but they hate me right now. Half of the day in our house is spent screaming, crying, yelling, etc. Oh and then some rolling of the eyes... can't forget about that. I feel like lately I see more of the whites of Claire's eyes than the blues... because she rolls her eyes at me ALL. DAY. LONG. Then the other half is spent sleeping, eating, bathing and then playing nicely together for no more than 10 minutes at a time. *And I can't forget to mention that I do get lot's of help from a lot of different peeps. I'm sooo incredibly grateful for that.

Life is crazy.

I've had a few moments today. Moments where Faye was laying in the middle of the aisle in Trader Joe's screaming at the top of her lungs and moments where I yelled and got teary eyed and thought, "I can't do this for one more second." Then I took some deep breaths and realized... I'm okay. I can do this. I'm strong. I prayed for patience and I got it. I'm so grateful for prayer and for peace. Prayer works wonders:)

And I love to end posts like this with pictures of the girls. Just to remind myself how freaking cute they are and why it's so hard for me to stay mad at them...

I mean seriously... come on. Faye is hilarious. And she goes from screaming to this in a split second... So I cannot stay mad. It's impossible.

Took this in our driveway. God is HUGE.

Running Grrrl Event this Sunday!

2010-09-21T21:54:00.000-07:00

This Sunday!!!

September 26th

Our running team and SLO the Stigma are putting on an event this Sunday out at Biddle Park in Arroyo Grande. The proceeds are going to a great cause... to raise awareness for mental illness. If you live around here, please come! It's going to be tons of fun. The kids will have a blast and there's gonna be some amazing music! We're doing a raffle and the prizes are pretty sweet! So come and hang out!!!

Therapy.

2010-09-13T02:15:00.001-07:00

1:45 am. I'm up. I was kind of waiting for Lane to get home from his man trip... He got home. And now I'm still up... wide awake. It's a bummer when I know I have to get up at 7:00. But what can I do?

Write a blog.

So I've had a certain little lady on my mind. I've written about her before. Daisy Merrick. She's an amazing, beautiful, tiny girl. She's been battling cancer. It's been a crazy fight. Tomorrow she goes in to have a tumor removed. Last time she had it checked out it was the size of a grapefruit and things were not looking good. She recently had it looked at and it had shrunk to the size of a slice of a tangerine. The doctors say removing it will be no problem. She's had people praying for her all over the world. There are teams of people praying for her 24 hours a day. Their recent blog posts were heartbreaking. I think they honestly thought that this cancer would win. But she's made such a crazy turn around and she's so full of life!

Isn't God incredible? So often we forget how big he really is. He used Daisy to teach TONS of people, including myself that he is HUGE and that he has control. He used her and her family because he knew they could do it. He knew they would cling to him no matter what. They did and they still are.

Please if you read this, pray for her. She goes into surgery at 11:30 tomorrow morning.

I guess I'll write more... I'm still wide awake...

Reading about Daisy has been quite an experience for me. I have so many problems with fear. I hate that. But I always think, "What a great testimony the Merricks have." And then I think, "Geez I hope I never have to deal with something like that."

I've known Jesus for 22 years... maybe more... shouldn't I be in place where I can trust him? Where I don't have to fear what the future holds? Yes. I should be there. But I'm not. I can't say "yes" to anything he puts in front of me because I am terrified that it might be too much for me to handle. When will I get to that place? That place where I don't have fear. What do I have to do to get there? Being in this place is tiring. I mean look at me... up at 2:00 am... I want to be freed from this. I want this to be gone. This fear. It holds me down. It makes me weak. It steals my patience. Jesus, free me from fear. Teach me how to let it go. I've been praying this prayer for almost 2 years... and I'm still here... praying this prayer. I guess it won't leave until I really let it go... and that's the hard part. Jesus was ready two years ago the first time I prayed it... I've been holding on... But I'm scared to lose control. A part of me believes that if I keep this up I have some sort of control over life... and the truth is, I don't. None of us do.

Aaaahhh. I need sleep. That was my therapy session at 2:00 am. I needed it. Goodnight world.

PROPS.

2010-09-11T20:05:00.000-07:00

Single mothers, you blow me away. Props to you. You are strong and amazing. I don't know how you do it but it's awesome.

Lane has been out of town (on a man trip) for almost 2 days and won't be back until tomorrow night... kind of late. I'm going crazy!!!! I seriously want to rip my hair out. This weekend has made me realize how much Lane does. I don't thank him enough for his help... I need to. I just put Faye to bed and immediately breathed a HUGE sigh of relief. She's in terrible two mode and it's complete insanity. 90% of the time she is screaming/whining/crying. Aaaaahhhh. The house is semi quiet right now... besides Princess and the Frog blasting... but this is the most quiet I've had all day. And I'm loving it. I get to sit down for a minute, write this blog, then clean until bed time.

So I guess this blog is to say that I can't do this on my own. I don't have the patience. Some women do... but I don't. This is really really hard. I'm so grateful to have Lane. He does a lot. He's so patient and I think his presence just makes all of us more calm. All three of us. We need that guy around. I miss him a lot.

And these babies are pretty cute. It's hard to be mad at them for more than a few minutes...

iPhone rules. Being sick does not.

2010-09-07T21:42:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning with a terrible sore throat... I felt pretty crappy all day and now I'm in bed at 9:30 testing out a new blogging app on my iPhone. So far so good.

Being sick is the worst... You can't run. I sooo wanted to run today. But last time I ran at the beginning of a sickness I paid for it. I was sick for almost two weeks... Way longer than I should have been. So I guess I'll rest and wait.

So this blog sucks but I just wanted to try out this app...

Creepy Feet...

2010-09-06T15:06:00.000-07:00

I'll admit I've made fun of people for wearing these more than a few times...

Last week Lane and I got our new Trail Runner magazine in the mail. (Something we sooo look forward to... huge dorks, I know!) There was an article all about barefoot running. The guy that wrote it had had an insane amount of problems with running... IT band syndrome, plantar fasciitis, shin splints, messed up ankles and knees, everything. He started running barefoot... like totally barefoot. Over time, his body adjusted to running barefoot and he now can run without any pain, anywhere in his body. I read that and seriously thought maybe I should try out some Vibrams... since I seem to have never ending problems with both of my IT bands. Then I kind of forgot about it. Saturday morning came and we had a new girl come out and run with our club. Afterwards we were talking about how she usually runs in Vibrams and how much she loves them. She was saying that she'd had a lot of knee problems before and now she's running without pain! So right after I left there I rushed home, picked up Lane and the girls and we found a store that sold them. I got em! And I'm loving them! I don't care how hideous or dorky they are. I'm totally into them. I've run once in them and it felt pretty amazing. I'd LOVE to run the City to Sea 1/2 marathon in them. That's only about 6 weeks away... we'll see. But I think these things are freaking sweet. So anyone out there that's got some crazy issues, do some research and give these weird things a try. I'll keep you posted on them. I already have my next pair picked out. Bright pink ones.

Summer is FINALLY here.

2010-08-23T21:10:00.000-07:00

BEACH DAY!!! Finally!

This morning we woke up and it was HOT out.

We immediately made plans to go to the beach since Lane had called in to work.

YES!!!

So we headed to the beach. It was in the high 80's. Maybe even 90's.

We spent the whole entire day there. We got there at 10:30 and left after 4:00. We sat on the beach, played in the tide pools, put our feet in the ice cold water, and ate lots and lots of yummy snacks.

What a great way to spend a Monday.

P.S. Today I was supposed to start my 16 week training plan for my 50k. Didn't happen. Oh well. It was too hot to run... I know some of you run in 100 degree weather and you are just crazy. But I'll count yesterday as my first day of training. It was warm out. We did a 3 mile loop... the last 2 miles are up hill and Lane forced me to push the double jogger up those last 2 miles of hills. I conquered that beast and felt crazy so today I got to lay on the beach and do nothing. :)

Time to dig deep.

2010-08-17T01:12:00.000-07:00

I don't even know what I'm gonna write about...

I'm just up. I tried going to bed but I can't sleep.

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately. About how I got to where I am. About anxiety and why it plagues me. I remember the day it started. I won't go into detail but I know that a door was opened and there it was. It hit me like a ton of bricks and it's been here ever since. There was a good chunk of time after Claire was born where I kind of forgot about it and then a while after that it came back full force... actually 10 times worse... and now here I am.

Anxiety is a strange thing. You know it's there. You know it's irrational. And yet you believe it. Because all of the physical symptoms make you believe that it's true and real and right. It's a lie. It's a lie that consumes people and takes away. It robs us of our precious time. I hate it.

I'll say right now that I envy people that don't deal with anxiety... like Lane. He really is not an anxious person. He gets a little nervous from time to time... but anxious... no. It's an amazing thing.

But do you think God allows things like anxiety to happen to people? I mean, since I've been extremely anxious I have become so much more dependent on God. So I feel like, if I weren't anxious, would I still be so dependent on God? And the answer right now is... probably not. I mean I know I'd still pray and read but depend on him... no. I NEED him right now. To get me through nights like this. But I want to be in a place where I need him no matter what. Where I feel like I can't make it through a day (even a good day) without him. Am I in that place? No. But I want to be. I really really want to be.

A friend wrote me and it was eye opening. She was basically saying that there are probably things in my life that I need to purge before I can fully let go of anxiety. I didn't get at first. But I've thought about it a lot... And there are so many things... Of course my fears, but also anger, jealousy, pride, bitterness... all of these things tear me down. All of these things make me weak. I don't want to be this person. I want to be full of strength. I want to be humble and thankful. I want to be a good wife and a good mother.

I believe that I can change. I'm thankful for the people in my life that believe that too. I know I'm not alone in this. So many people, especially women, feel the things that I'm feeling. But I think a lot of us don't think that maybe a lot of our anxiousness is stemming from something other than just germs, or a fear of dying or spiders... or anything! We don't think about the fact that there might be something in our hearts that needs to change before we can let it go. I'm so glad my eyes were opened to this possibility and it makes me want to dig deeper and figure this all out.

Remember God is bigger than all of this. He's bigger than anxiety. He's bigger than fear.

I was feeling extremely anxious when I sat down to write this and I'm already feeling better. It's funny how sometimes all you need to do is get it out.

Montana De Oro 25k.

2010-08-16T12:50:00.000-07:00

This race was amazing. Aaaahhhh! The atmosphere at a trail race is the BEST. Seriously. Everyone is so relaxed and chill and NICE. I was a little nervous going into this race because I have not been running a lot. I mean maybe twice a week and that is not enough for an almost 16 mile run. It's just not. So I woke up yesterday morning and my goal was to finish and have fun doing it. That's it. And I accomplished that goal for sure.

I had a few little problems... but that didn't stop me from having fun. I trashed my knees coming down the first peak. Going into the second 8 mile loop I felt really great. My knees started throbbing about 3 miles in and I knew I was in for it. On all the up hills I felt amazing... the down hills were killing me though. I kept telling Jess that it was worse than child birth... it really was... because there was no break... and it freaking hurt.

But I made it. The last mile or so I had to stop and walk a lot. Especially at the very end. My legs would not let me run down hill. It was insane and I've never felt anything like it before. But rounding that corner and seeing Lane and the girls standing there was wonderful!

I limped around after but got home and spent a LONG time on the foam roller. And that helped a ton. Today I feel pretty good. I'm not sore at all... my right knee is super jacked up still and that's it! Also, I took three showers when I got home... I took one... then remembered that I had touched poison oak like 80 times, so I took another one with this poison oak wash and then I was still feeling sketched out so I sent Lane to the store to get me some Tecnu and then I washed again with that. So hopefully no poison oak for me! So far, so good!

So this just made me realize that I have a lot of work to do. I have about 16 weeks till my 50k and I can't wait! I need to get these legs strong. I'm hoping to do the 50k without feeling like my knees are going to explode. So I have a lot of training ahead of me. I need to get these quads strong... so lot's of lunges and squats and running hills... fun. No... but it'll all be worth it to feel good on that 50k. I can't wait!

Samantha and Jess pre-race.

The aid station was amazing. M&M's, Peanut M&M's, dark chocolate, pop tarts, chips... you know... the good stuff.

The only way to show HOW DIRTY my feet were was to have Claire lay down there. How insane is that? I love it.

Weekend in SF & 1/2 of a 100 mile race...

2010-08-13T00:49:00.000-07:00

Lane and I headed to San Francisco last weekend so he could run his first 100 mile race.

I honestly think I was more nervous than he was. I definitely lost some sleep over it. Especially the night before.

But getting away was so nice. (Thanks mom and dad!)

We stayed in an "interesting" part of town. It was kinda sketchy. But the hotel was cool and old and semi safe. To give you an idea... I witnessed a homeless man and woman wrestling out in front of our hotel on the sidewalk... she wasn't wearing underwear and I saw everything. Also, I watched a man smoke crack for the first time. So ya... it was "interesting".

But I got to hang out with my brother while Lane was running which was wonderful. We shopped all day! We hit up China town and I got some sweet deals on stuff for the girls. We ate a lot of good food and shopped some more. It was a blast.

Friday night, the night before the race Lane and I went out to an italian place called Fino's. We actually ate there on our honeymoon 8 years ago. So that was super romantic and pretty special. We headed back to the hotel after that. Lane got his stuff ready and we got to bed early. I could not fall asleep. I woke up a million times throughout the night and looked at the clock. Lane slept pretty good I think. He woke up at 4:00 am to get ready. He was SO calm. It kind of freaked me out. I think he was weirded out too.

So here's how it went. Lane signed up for this race a while back. About 9 weeks ago, he ran a 100k (62 miles). No problem. He did awesome. He was strong and felt good. He came back from that pretty confident. But the over time kept pouring in at work and he couldn't pass it up... so instead of running and training, he worked. Not a good idea.

Some of you may not know how a 100 mile race works. But in order to finish it, you need a lot of help. Mentally, physically and emotionally. Lane didn't have any of that. He needed a crew. A familiar face to be there when he arrived at the next aid station to give him what he needed. To make him eat and drink and give him some words of encouragement. And a few days before the race, Lane and I had decided that I would run the last 25 miles with him. He said I could do it for sure, since he'd be slow because he'd just run 75 miles. But holy crap!!! I was freaked out even thinking about it. 25 miles!!! And not any 25 miles. A rocky, slippery, extremely steep 25 miles. So now you see why I lost sleep over this. I was absolutely terrified.

So the story goes like this... Lane was going to call me a few hours ahead of time so I could get my stuff together and drive the 25 minutes over to the other side of the golden gate bridge to meet up with him and start running. I was going to go to bed early and wake up at about 1:00 am to go meet him.

But Lane called me about 5:30 pm and said he was feeling horrible. He was almost 50 miles in and didn't want to go any further. He was having a bad pain in his knee and he thought he had big blisters on both feet. He didn't think he could make it another 50 miles feeling this bad. At this point I didn't know if I should talk him into staying in the race or let him pull out. So I just told him that I thought he knew what was best. Honestly I think if I would've been out there at the aid stations I could've talked him into it. I could've kept him going for a little longer. But I wasn't out there and I hate that.

But seriously you guys? HE RAN 50 MILES. Definitely something to be proud of. And he did it fast too. And the weather was insane. Drizzly, freezing, and SOO windy that you feel like you're gonna blow off of a cliff... So he did great, right? I think so. And I also know that one day he will run 100 miles. He really will. Now he knows how he needs to go into it. And next time I'll be right there with him. And I'll train so I can actually run that last 25 with him.

So me and my brother picked him up. He was dirty and smelly and limping. I felt so sad when I saw him! I hate when Lane feels disappointed. I wanted to cry. So we went back to the hotel... Lane took a shower and then we headed out for beers at a friends house. What a day for Lane. 50 miles then beers with friends. No big deal. Not to mention, San Francisco is no the place to hang out after running 50 miles. I mean we had to park and walk up a lot of big hills and then a lot of stairs...

This story is kind of all over the place. But a lot happened. I'm proud of Lane. I hate that he's disappointed because he accomplished yet another amazing thing. You've done it again babe.